Fort Worth Doesn't Like Sex Shops, Prefers Its Lovemaking Dry, Missionary, and Joyless

First of all, if being a regional media mogul ever stops paying the bills and I have to start slingin' sex jellies and anal beads from some low-rent mall kiosk, there's no question I would've called it the Velvet Box. Guess I'll have to go with runners-up Satan's Doorbell or The Whisperin' Eye.

At any rate, tough break for Fort Worth here. It's bad enough being the forgotten little brother of D/FW, but if you do get laid, you're telling everybody that your partner didn't enjoy it. I'm not saying everyone needs to incorporate ball gags and love swings, especially while drunk and accident-prone, but how about at least slippin' into some skimpy, lacy number that's sexier than a faded, over-sized Mickey Mouse T-shirt, sweetheart? Not to mention a little something to lube the gaskets a bit before a long ride, for safety's sake. Marcelle knows it, and so do all dried-up love tunnels everywhere. How about the poor bastards who end up home alone on Saturday night and have to drive to Bedford to pick up their FleshLight like freakin' losers? While the rest of the Metroplex is slaying the Kama Sutra, Fort Worth is fumbling to find the right hole in the dark.

Ghostbar is Closing, Dallas to Become Considerably Less Kick-Ass

DALLAS - Two of the last remaining food and drink spots from the early days of Victory Park – Craft Dallas and the Ghostbar – will close soon, according to a statement from the W Dallas Victory hotel. Craft Dallas, celebrity chef Tom Colicchio’s North Texas expansion, will close at the end of summer and reopen in the early fall as Cook Hall, an American gastropub.
Ghostbar, on the 33^rd floor, will close later this month.
Hotel management sees the change as a “natural evolution.”

Well, I honestly don't know what's more devastating, that this great city will soon be losing it's finest lounge, or that it was completely buried in everyone's story by the closing of a run-of-the-mill steakhouse for yet another gastropub. Either way, it's been a real rough stretch for the great Ghostbar. First it's founder did himself in last November, now the legendary institution itself will soon be found lifeless in an enclosed garage with nothing but a running foreign sports car and tearful regret. Say what you will, but of all the many cheesy ultra lounges in this town, you couldn't beat the Ghostbar's starpower or view. Was truly a must-visit. No word yet on the real reason for the closing, or what will become of the some of the hottest square footage in town, but tip some Grey Goose and palm-slap a high-dollar escort's ass tonight in its honor.

Jaguars' Football Player Tweets Daily Schedule, Gives Me an Idea

So sites and blogs everywhere have been talking about this offseason sched from the Jag's DE Austen Lane, and for good reason. Dude is clearly killing it. Got me thinking that it may be time to pull the curtain back a little on the day-to-day around here...

A media mogul is a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.

Irving-Based Chuck E. Cheese to Exterminate Limp-Dicked Spokes-Mouse for a Kick-Ass Rock Star

IRVING - In a media campaign set to launch Thursday, the parent of the Chuck E. Cheese’s chain hopes to rebrand its spokes-mouse as a rock star. The new campaign, from the Dallas-based Richards’ group, is called “Chuck E. Rocks,” and features the voice of Jaret Reddick, best known as the lead singer and songwriter for the pop-punk band Bowling for Soup.
“It’s the perfect evolution of the brand and one that will speak directly to kids,” Rhonda Zahnen, principal at The Richards Group, said in a statement.
The campaign will launch Thursday with a TV spot focused on belonging. Three other spots will focus on “fun,” “power” and “birthdays,” each named for something a child experiences at Chuck E. Cheese’s. The Irving-based chain also will promote rock star Chuck E. online and in its 554 restaurants.

Well I guess someone just got put back in the birthday rotation, didn't they? There wasn't a harsher buzzkill then hitting up the Cheese and having that squid kill my skeeball domination. Chuck's game has been gone for years, always sporting cheap, outdated clothes with heavily-liquored breath, groping the pregnant moms, and killing the band's trademark chemistry. Even the distracted five-year-olds knew it was time to go, but word on the street is that the wolf and bear caught him hastily disposing a used heroin needle underneath a pepperoni pizza just before going on stage for the afternoon's 47th rendition of "Happy Birthday." Not everybody can handle the celebrity lifestyle for long, but I'm pretty confident Chuck E. Rocks can. Rock star swag for days while crushing the Les Paul, jeans, and Converses. Plus, anybody who emphasizes "fun, power, and birthdays" has a spot on my team anyday.

Get Me These Dwarf Footballers for My 4th of July Party!

ARLINGTON - A cluster of smaller-than-average hands dispersed on cue as the orange-shirted members of Alpha Dwarves took the field under the lights at mammoth Cowboys Stadium.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Yep, nothing celebrates America quite like watching midgets compete for mini trophies and our drunken enjoyment. And you're damn right that after the game I'm getting them to serve as wait staff for the WWCD 4th of July extravaganza. Is it too late to book the Ritz penthouse? Seriously though, is a midget athletic trainer a straight gig or what? Do you have to get a special certification for it or something?  Just no way I could keep a straight face through the whole stretch.

Dallas' Own Miss TB and "Just Like a Nigga" Straight Tearin' Up Kiest Park

It's not exactly the playful innocence of Will Smith's "Summertime," but I feel like I'm ready to offically kick my summer off now. Your guess is as good as mine as to what TB stands for, but I know I definitely don't plan on runnin' into her. It's not so much the racist part, it's just that if we ended up together in a Hampton Road duplex bedroom, there's only three conceivable endings. I get raped. I get shanked. I get raped and shanked. All involving tearful apologies and sexual inadequacy. Yep, gonna be another summer north of the Trinity.

I do wonder if the black community was sporting the Rangers gear when they weren't winning pennants. Wait... no I don't. They were not.

- via DC9 at Night

How Far Back Did Frisco's Flash Mob Put Them In the Race for America's Friendlist Small Town?

FRISCO - Frisco is up against five other cities vying to be named America’s friendliest small town in a contest sponsored by Rand McNally and USA Today.
Two-person teams were dispatched to visit the finalist cities, and apparently Frisco welcomed its visitors on Saturday. As part of their aim to “show just what the city is made of,” Frisco leaders organized the greeting (performed at the Comfort Suites along the Dallas North Tollway) that you can see in the video above.

Just when you start to get sick of your town and it's occasional murders, meth den raids, socialite pedophilia syndicates, or luxury condo-tower foreclosures, it could be worse. Nothing screams desperation more than a viral video of underage white girls shuffling around in flip-flops and confusion at a roadside budget hotel chain to tell an apathetic nation how supposedly friendly they are. Even the Mormon high schoolers are laughing while their mixers look like a Barstool Foam party. Real winners play to their strengths and let their game speak for itself. Suburban farmland sprawl, third-tier sports teams, budget-friendly bar and restuarant chains that close at midnight, and Safety Town is your game, Frisco. Leave the song-and-dance routines to the mid-cities simpletons.

By the Way - Who forgot the tell the brotha in the back that this was a whites-only hoedown? Homie ain't got time fo 'dat.

By the Way #2 - Should you ever win a small town award with 125,000 people? Just feels a little tainted with such shady eligibility requirements.

What Exactly is Mrs. Benefactor Trying to Pull with Flax Seed and Blue Corn Tortillas?

It's bad enough that I have to make my own dinner when all I know how to cook is breakfast tacos, but who is she trying to fool with this sneaky tortilla swap? When you go with the unproven, tarted-up flavor-of-the-week over the ol' reliable veteran, things are gonna get dicey. In this case, a shredded, crumbled mess after one just one bite. This late in the game, you go flour or you go home. Flour is gonna dig in, work the count, and give you a solid plate appearance every time. Flax seed and blue corn rookies swing first pitch and pop up in the clutch. That's a clown tortilla, bro.