Did This Guy Really Wear an F'ing Sweater to a Baseball Game, Put It Around His Neck, and Score These Two Sports Fans?

Has to be gay, right? Hey ladies, ditch this dousche and call me. I'm a Rangers fan who likes to party, and I've got some killer salvia.

Looks Like Some Asshole Hid a Camera in the WWCD Headquarters

So if you wanna know why the Benefactor has been a little slow on the posts, it's cause I'll admit the fall through the window took me outta commission for a little while. It's been some time since the salvia has made it's way around the WWCD offices, and we'll just say sometimes you can kick too much ass. I was just trying to find my phone, OK? Thought the big leagues might be calling. Too bad Mrs. Benefactor was no help, that amateur was just laying there waving her arms around like she stuck in a dream where she's trapped in a giant jar of mayonnaise.

Kinsler, Feldman, MLB Jews to Take Over World Baseball Classic, Soon the World

Marc Stein for ESPNDallas.com - Texas Rangers second baseman Ian Kinsler has told the Israeli website Walla (walla.co.il) that he would consider playing for the Israeli national team when it attempts to qualify for the 2013 World Baseball Classic. According to WBC eligibility rules, several major leaguers are allowed to represent Israel, including Boston’s Kevin Youkilis, Milwaukee’s Ryan Braun and Rangers pitcher Scott Feldman along with Kinsler.

Interviewed recently in Houston, Kinsler told Walla that he would “love to play for the Israeli national team” if a Team USA invite never materializes for the two-time All-Star.

Those shifty Hebrews think they're pretty damn good, huh? I know they've taken over our financial sector, always know what 15% is on a restaurant bill, and killed our Savior, so they've obviously got some hardware in the trophy case. However, while competing on baseball's world stage may be tough, I just don't see Hitler or even Arafat leading Venezuela or Japan. The Benefactor's got an uneasy feeling that Scott Feldman will all-of-the-sudden be healthy and effective in time, Kinsler will remember how to get into position to field a double play, and the rest of those sneaky dreidel-spinners will get it together to crush those over-confident Gentiles like they would a tax return.

Local Swimmers Grabbing Headlines with Phony Records

DALLAS - Youngsters in Dallas and across the country made a splash by setting a record for the world’s biggest swimming lesson. All 18 city pools participated in the World’s Largest Swimming Lesson, a national event in which an estimated 25,000 American youth took part, shattering last year’s record of 4,000, according to the initiative’s website.

So the previous World's Largest Swimming Lesson Record was only 4,000 huh? That's nothin. How about shatter it with 25,000? What's that? There isn't a pool big enough? That's OK, because apparently you can set a Swimming Lesson Record in Dallas and include kids a thousand miles away. You know what? I just nailed the hottest girl in New York, even though she was there while I was in Dallas. Doesn't matter, right? Hey, I'm all for helping kids learn how to swim, mainly so that I don't have to jump in and get my skinny jeans and new phone wet when some cocky five year old decides he's Little Mikey Phelps. When the Benefactor is teaching a lesson on kicking ass in Dallas, you can bet every one of the 25,000 youth will pay their exorbitant fee and be accounted for. Next time I hear a story like this there better be a picture with kids packed in like Free Admission Day at the Mumbai Municipal Pool. Until then, get the hell outta here, World's Largest Swimming Lesson.

AAC Dares You to Find Two Completely Different Shows on Back-to-Back Nights

Think the American Airlines Center falls asleep cause the Mavs are all done? Pretty amazing job by those crazy bastards. While you can bet your new Dirk Swish shirt that the Benefactor will stay safely away from the two-day hysteria of shrieking insanity and unkempt mullets, I dare you to find someone who went to both shows over the weekend. Just one.

Dallas Pretty Much Tells In-N-Out Burger to Go F*ck Themselves

DALLAS - After crowds flooded In-N-Out’s grand opening last month in Frisco and Allen, officials braced for the worst this morning at the California burger chain’s newest restaurant, along the North Central Expressway between Southwestern Boulevard and Caruth Haven Lane. But customers were pleasantly surprised by the quick service.

“I have friends in Frisco and Allen who waited three hours,” said Kristen Carlson, 32, who waited only 10 minutes before ordering in the drive-through.“I was nervous about traffic, but it’s not that bad.”

Dine-in customers were likewise moving through the lines quickly. Donna Dawson and Tree Mikulesky walked from their office just down the road and waited only five minutes before getting inside. “I thought it would be a nightmare, but this is pretty good,” Dawson said.

When the doors opened at 8:30 a.m., the line was almost underwhelming. Only about 14 people had queued up, and by then, even some hardcore aficionados were questioning the wisdom of camping out all night long.

HAHAHAHA!!! Get the hell outta here, In-N-Out. That mediocre bells n' whistles burger may work on the freak-filled West Coast and in suburbia where your choices are Chili's and Friday's, but not here. Dallas has more quality burger places than California has filthy hippies, and news that some foreign, transplant burger is supposed to take over this town just won't move the excitement meter around here. I hope the simpletons who drove over 30 minutes to join a bunch of high schools kids and wait in line all night for an hamburger enjoyed it like I did a Mavs championship. I do. I just don't expect some fast food chain to just waltz down here and whore itself out for newspaper space, and then expect this town to treat it with anymore interest than happy hour specials on Henderson or Party Pics of hots on McKinney.

So Castro's a Rangers Fan, Huh?

Who can blame the guy? Cuba loves baseball, and just like a good frontrunner he knows it's never too late to get on the AL Champs bandwagon. If it's good enough for Leonys Martin, it must be good enough for him, right? As long as he isn't here to F up our health care system or imprison political dissidents, I'll throw some claw and and antlers his way for a stoge or two. That Che Guevara tribute doesn't really fly in Arlington though, bro. Shouldn't he be in a suite or something anyway instead of battling the commoners in the concourse like a chump? I guess even in Cuba they know you gotta find Knoxie if you wanna get on TV.

Dubya Crushing It at the Ballpark

That's right, Nolan. Back away, cause George W. is straight killing the shades at the Rangers game. Sure we could all make jokes about how gay setting a sunglasses record during a Major League Baseball game is, but when you can pull this off, you're straight up changing the way the game is played. This is how you get 45,000 people to fall in line and get that record like you want it. When Laura's away, even a Tuesday night is time to lay some pipe on some mid-cities tail. Unfortunately for 43, he can still see Kinsler play hot potato with routine grounders.

Dirk May Need More Friends, or Just a New Girlfriend

DALLAS - Dirk Nowitzki’s weeklong run of championship celebrations was capped by a surprise birthday party thrown for him Sunday night by girlfriend Jessica Olsson and lifelong coach/adviser Holger Geschwindner at the Dallas wine club Graileys.
The private event to commemorate Nowitzki’s 33rd birthday, dubbed “Dinner For 41,” featured exactly 41 guests, including... former Stanley Cup-winning Dallas Star Mike Modano and three award-winning scientists who are also Mavs fans.

Special guests included Dr. Hans Deisendorfer, professor of biochemistry at UT Southwestern who won a Nobel Prize in chemistry in 1988 for his work in X-ray crystallography; Dr. Al Gilman, chairman emeritus of pharmacology at UT Southwestern who won a Nobel Prize in medicine in 1994 for his work on how cells communicate with each other; and Dr. Eric Olson, professor and chairman of molecular biology at UT Southwestern who won the LeFoulon Delalande Grand Prize from the French Academy of Science in 2009.

ZZZZ... Oh, is that it? Sorry. Not exactly what I expect when I hear about a Dallas sports superstar's party though. This girlfriend of his probably thinks that his regular friends are terrible influences and that his normal bars aren't quite good enough for her, and therefore him. So she nixes bottle service at Ghostbar and thinks of something only a chick would think of, exactly 41 guests at a wine bar. Snooze City. Now girlfriend-of-the-year has to fumble around for some dignitaries at the last minute to make this thing respectable. Of course Modano is down for a Dallas social gathering. Instant RSVP everytime. While I'm all for X-rays and cell communication, these pocket protectors can't be the first Mavs fans at the top of every party invite list. Hope you had a great time Dirk, cause it looks like your future's got nothing but couple's baby showers, art gallery openings, and endangered animal preservation benefits. You can take dat wit you.

What Do Lebron and DART Have In Common?

DALLAS - A video recording from Thursday shows DART rail riders exiting the underground tunnel between Cityplace and Mockingbird stations in Dallas after the train was stalled for nearly an hour.

It's just too bad Cubes doesn't control Dallas Transportation, cause when the tough-talking DART rail line thinks they've already won the trophy, they fold faster than King James at clutch time. While your feisty, veteran Mavs took down the Miami Heat, the venerable Overcrowding and Texas Heat combined their talents to take down a disappointing DART rail that many had predicted would come out victorious. With a bright spotlight Thursday, one Dallas rail-car and its operator were settling for bad jumpshots and giving up key boards in the paint when it mattered most.  A DART spokesman could only say, "In the end, we just didn't have the heart. It's going to be a big offseason with some big talent hitting free agency, and we plan on getting back to the show in 2012." Until then, riders like these will have to keep prying doors open and wandering down the track on foot like chumps.

Defending a Title: The Obligatory Way-Too-Early Look at the 2011-2012 Dallas Mavericks: Centers

Most MFFL's remember that Brendon Haywood was recently signed to a huge extension in the $7-$10M/yr range until 2016, so unless another team conceivably wants to trade for that contract, he may be here a while. Fans can rest easy knowing that in case Haywood strains another hip flexor and Chandler can't stay out of early foul trouble (note to editor: feel free to change "in case" to "when"), Ian Mahinmi has one more year left at $880k.

More importantly, we head back to Tyson Chandler, arguably the biggest difference between the current Mavericks and any of the past Dirk-era Mavs teams. Stats can't justify his contributions on this team, even though he was 10th in the league in rebounds and 15th in offensive boards. His attitude, hustle, desire, competitiveness, and infectious personality are something this team hasn't seen at the center position with the sleepy, lumbering likes of Skillet-hands Dampier and the underwhelming and outmatched Shawn Bradley, Raef LaFrentz, DeSagana Diop. Most would agree that re-signing Chandler, who turns 29 in October and just made $12.7M, is the team's biggest offseason priority. It would obviously be ideal if this team could manage to keep both of their top centers, but a combined $20M is a lot to pay for one position that isn't Dirk. It's the same reason why they might not be able to sign Butler to go along with the Matrix at small forward. However, if they do let most of their free agents go (Barea, Stevenson, Butler), then they could possibly have some room to keep both for the future.

Defending a Title: Guards

Defending a Title: Forwards

Win a Championship and Finals MVP, Nail a Tall Swede

Did my interns get the wrong pictures? Not exactly what I'm thinking when I hear his girlfriend is from Sweden. Kinda like buying a half gallon of BlueBell vanilla, only to open it up and find Rocky Road. Hey Dirk, you like an imperfect chocolate with a little marshmellow and nuts sprinked in, that's cool. Not my thing, but I'm not draining J's in Bosh's face. What do they say? Beauty's in the eye of the title-holder?

Am I Not a Big Enough Mavs Fan if Watching the Parade from My Living Room Is As Close As I Want To Get?

Look, after watching 70-75 regular season games and every playoff game, I then have to re-watch each playoff game the next day. I foolishly throw money on Mavs first half lines despite them being a second half team, then I stay up too late during West coast games to see if they can cover meaningless second half spreads. I screamed in joy more times after Game 6 than I have in my whole life, and I enjoyed the taste of that cigar and that sweet champagne more than nectar from the gods.

So, I am not a big enough fan because I don't want take three hours to get down to the streets of downtown, get re-sunburned, dehydrate myself, and get pushed around by sweaty fat chicks from Mansfield or a pack of aggressive youths from the Oak Cliff Rec Center, all to catch a twenty second glimpse of guys I've seen before standing around waving? I'm out. Call me fair-weather, cause I guess being a sports fan isn't for me. Is it too late to take up candle-making or knitting? How about a vegetable garden? Anything else I can do from home that doesn't require a parade?

Defending a Title: The Obligatory Way-Too-Early Look at the 2011-2012 Dallas Mavericks: Forwards

Overall, the Mavericks forward situation is pretty set. While your 2011 Finals MVP probably isn't going anywhere, and Shawn Marion is signed for three more years, the contracts of both the Serbian Sniper and the Custodian, who each made a combined $2M, are up. While Donnie Nelson and Cubes can easily find other role players who can occasionally shoot open three's and hack opponents' stars in the paint, re-signing Caron Butler is one of the two biggest decisions this team will have to make in the off-season.

Butler, who turned 31 in March and made $10.5M in the final year of his contract, was arguably this team's second best player before he got hurt. While one can make the simple argument that this team and that chemisty made it the final 53 regular season games plus the playoff run without him, you just can't ignore his numbers and think that they could actually be better. While starting all 29 games and averaging 29 minutes, Real Tuff Juice averaged 15 ppg (3rd on team in reg season) and shot 43% on 3's (first among regulars in reg season), not to mention his solid defensive play. Many may forget that one of the stars of the playoff run, Marion, didn't even start because he was behind Butler at small forward. If there are cap issues and depending on how much money Butler will command during free agency, the Mavericks brass could quite conceivably believe that Marion is enough at that position.

Defending the Title: Guards

Irving Police Pour Bucket of Water on Mavs Title Celebration, Arrest Innocent Hero

Irving - Dallas Mavericks guard DeShawn Stevenson was arrested for public intoxication Tuesday night at an Irving apartment complex. Officers responded around 10:30 p.m. to reports of an intoxicated person walking through the grounds of the Grand Venetian apartments, near State Highway 114 and the Bush Turnpike. Police said they found Stevenson alone and that he didn’t know where he was. He does not live at the apartment complex, police said.

Officers put Stevenson through field sobriety tests and then took him into custody without incident.“Due to being intoxicated, he was a danger to himself and others, and therefore he was placed under arrest,” Irving police spokesman John Argumaniz said. Stevenson was released from the Irving Jail on Wednesday morning after posting $475 bail.

Would you get a load of the Irving PD over here? Everyone knows you get at least a week-long stay-out-of-jail-free card after bringing home a championship. I mean, you lose your one sports team to rival Arlington, and you forget how to treat local sports celebrities. Is there no justice? If luminaries like DeShawn Stevenson get arrested this week, who's next? You better watch your ass if you're in Irving these days. The officer on the scene could have at least helped DeShawn get his 3-goggles back on, then he would have been just fine.

Cubes, Dirk, Mavs Straight Killing It at the Loon

Where the hell else should you go to celebrate in this town I ask? No where. You go right to where it all started with Dirk and Nash in Uptown, except this time you grab J-Kidd, Jet, JJ, Roddy, and the Custodian and pound those famous, loaded well drinks and canned beer and ball it up like only an everyman's billionaire knows how. Again I say, you think the Rangers would have partied like this if they beat the Giants in the World Series? They would have been reading bedtime stories in an airport-neighboring suburb faster than you can pop a champagne bottle. The Stars? They could have been celebrating in their uniforms at Black Friar and no one would notice. The Cowboys? Everyone knows they wouldn't be partying in the states with regular Joe's. You bet your 90's Triplets poster that this owner and these Mavs know how to keep it real.

Defending a Title: The Obligatory Way-Too-Early Look at the 2011-2012 Dallas Mavericks: Guards

When looking at the depth and contract status of the Mavs' from now until next summer, the guard situation may be the most problematic. For the point guards, Kidd is locked up for one more year for $8.5M, but we all know his production and minutes may continue to decline. As for JJ, his contract is now up after making $1.8M. While MFFL's can't deny his increased production this year, including a few great playoff games, his good performances haven't been consistent, and we know he's a defensive liability. Those positives may be enough to grant him a pretty decent payday though, big enough for the Mavs to consider letting him walk, because most would probably believe he's just not a starter in this league on a competitive team, and they may not be able to afford him as a backup.

As for shooting guards, Jason Terry has one more year left for $11.4M. When he'll be turning 33 in 2012, the Mavs will have some big decisions to make with both he and Kidd as free agents. Deshawn Stevenson's contract is up, and he seems like the kind of expendable defensive/role-player 2-guard they have let go in the past. Speaking of letting go, Corey Brewer is signed for two more years, and it doesn't appear that he has a place on this team, if 2011 is any indication.

That brings us to the two young and developing guards. The Mavs have rarely been interested in drafting and growing talent, and outside of Devin Harris, the guard situation is no different. The Mavs have Roddy Beaubois locked up for three more years, but who knows where the team goes from here with him after the backward steps he has taken this year, especially since his trade value has taken a pounding. Also signed for several more years is Dominique Jones, Memphis' first round draft pick last year before having his rights traded to Dallas. While averaging 7.5 minutes this year in just 18 games, it will take some time to see what kind of player he can be.

In conclusion, of the seven guards, Barea and Stevenson will be free agents, and I don't see them around here next year, especially with their increased value and the Mavs lack of money, which will be explored in later posts. Whether or not that opens doors for Beaubois or Jones will have to be seen. That would leave them with only Kidd and Terry who have any quality experience at all, and after next year, they may be gone too. Stay tuned for the forwards and centers, Mavs dorks.

NBA Takes Summer Blockbuster Game 5 Movie and Turns Game 6 into Oscar Runaway Favorite

Can goosebumps become a permanent condition? Should I have contacted my doctor by now?

While it's not porn, it's still time to close the blinds and make sure your lady or roommates are in the other room, cause a few tears may flow with this one.

This Is How You Celebrate a Title

Everyone outside Dallas hates Cuban, but it's tough not to think maybe you wish he owned your team when he picks up the six figure tab, including $20k tip, with his team at the club to celebrate. This team's definitely got a lot of partying built up over the years.

Mavs Take NBA Title, Dallas Now the True City of Winners

Hope every Mavs fan out there soaked in the moment and had their victory cigars ready and the 3-goggles rockin. Truly a once-in-a-lifetime event.

Mavs Get Their Title, Cubes Keeps It Real On Live TV

I feel ya Cubes, just way too much emotion right now to not drop the S-bomb on live TV. No doubt I would have done the same thing. GO MAVS!

A Mavs Fan Must-Watch: NBA Turns Game 5 into Summer Blockbuster

Goosebumps city.

Also, the great Bill Simmons had these Finals items in his latest column on his new website, Grantland:
Jason Terry: After draining the single biggest irrational confidence shot by someone not named Ali Farokhmanesh (Terry's 3 to clinch Game 5 of the Finals), he's climbing up the all-time Irrational Confidence charts and breathing down Vernon Maxwell's neck. Just remember, Mad Max has a ring.
Tyson Chandler: Actually, it's already happened win or lose — he's basically turned into 2008 Kevin Garnett but without a jump shot. Along with Dirk Nowitzki, James Harden, Dwyane Wade, and Zack Randolph, he's one of the five biggest winners of the 2011 Playoffs.
Chris Bosh: A decent lock to be traded this summer if Miami blows this series. There will have to be a scapegoat. You know, other than Spoelstra.
Brian Cardinal: Balding/sweaty/doughy immortality. A role model and idol for a future generation of Haleys and Scalabrines.
Jason Kidd: A much-belated ring, a historical bump (from top 40 to top 35), the memory that he was an extremely rich man's version of what GP gave the 2006 Heat, and also living proof to Rajon Rondo that ANYONE can turn into a deadly 3-point shooter with some work.
ABC & ESPN: Don't tell anyone, but if there's a Game 7, Disney makes an extra $110 billion (all numbers approximate). You might see everyone on Dallas foul out in Game 6. I think Tyson Chandler already has 2 fouls and the game doesn't start for another 48 hours.

Mark Cuban: Spent the right amount of money, hired the right people, brought in the right players, took the right chances (for the most part), made one tremendous decision (taking on Tyson Chandler's contract), and most importantly, kept a low profile and let his players do the talking for him. You can't do better as an NBA owner than Cuban did these past few months. Except for the part when he shot 3s while wearing a tank top before Game 4. Just a little Richard Simmons-y. Just a smidge.

Dirk Nowitzki: He's already propelled himself into the top 20 and a permanent "Barkley, Malone or Nowitzki?" discussion; he's erased any lingering scars from the 2006 Finals and 2007 Playoffs; and he's clinched "one of the best clutch scorers of his generation" status. But if he wins the title with a bunch of role players? That nudges him up a level; now we'd have to discuss him with Julius Erving, Bob Pettit, John Havlicek, and maybe even Tim Duncan as one of the Greatest Forwards Ever Not Named Larry Bird. However it plays out, he's already the biggest winner from this series. You can't say enough about Dirk Nowitzki.

Just Keep Giving Dirk Reasons to Drain Moneyballs, Guys

That's right. Keep poking the big German bear with the stick. You want to make fun of him coughing huh? That takes some big balls from the guy who sits crying in a wheelchair from a hurt shoulder and a torn labia. Just give Dirk and the rest of the Mavs another reason to stomp on your face in the 4th quarter yet again.

Am I Gay If I Put Mavs Sushi Rolls in My Mouth?

PEGASUS NEWS IN DALLAS - If Dirk Nowitzki were a sushi roll, how would he taste? We'll give you a hint: not too spicy, with crawfish and cucumber. Stoked by the Dallas Mavericks' presence in the 2011 NBA playoffs, Dallas sushi restaurant Sushi Zushi is sharing its playoffs fever with new Mavericks-themed signature rolls. "The playoffs are so exciting, when we saw that the Mavericks were going further and further, we wanted to do something," said manager Josh King.

• The Dirk Roll has crawfish and cucumber with a special sauce inside, and is topped with escolar, avocado, on black tobiko, or fish roe -- "not too spicy," King said.
• The Kidd Roll has crab, cream cheese, and avocado inside, and is topped with orange tobiko, seaweed, "and some eel sauce to make it darker," King said.
• The Mavs Roll has shrimp tempura and cucumber and is wrapped with salmon and escolar.

Nice try Sushi Zushi, but the Benefactor didn't move to Dallas during the Lakers series. Everybody knows the Dallas Gay loves this place, what with its proximity to Ground Zero near Cedar Springs and Oak Lawn, and the fact that they serve mainly sushi. That sneaky Josh King may try to sneak one by those heading straight to Amateur Hour and getting caught up in Mavs hysteria, but you just can't get away with lines like "If Dirk Nowitzki were a sushi roll, how would he taste?" This is what separates the true Dallasites and MFFL's from the bandwaggoning D/FW transplant. You can't get caught up in the hype and miss these red flags in a time like this. Look, I'm sure the sushi tastes great and I hope they sell out of 'em during the rest of the Finals. However, I think I'll stick with high-fiving straight dudes while pounding beer schooners and demolishing fried foods, not sipping blue martinis and giving handjobs in the bathroom between quarters.

Local Amateur Astronomer Arrested for Pointing Laser at Planes, Helping Fellow Citizens

GARLAND -  The first man arrested in North Texas on suspicion of pointing a laser at a plane said Wednesday that he did it because he was "tired of circling helicopters" above his house.
In a sometimes rambling interview at the Dallas County Jail, Sammy Ladymon described himself as an amateur astronomer and said he bought a $40 laser the size of a pen at an electronics store.

He said he had never been arrested before, doesn't see himself as a criminal and doesn't believe he did anything wrong.

I think we can imagine how hard life must be with the last name of Ladymon, and we all know how annoying loud, intrusive planes and choppers can be over a residential neighborhood, whether you're trying to find the Big Dipper or quietly get through your porn. As an amateur blogger, the Benefactor can relate to similar pesky obstacles that can make one's passion that much more difficult. If I could shine a laser at the screen to keep the computer from freezing or at my head to prevent writer's block, I would do it faster than Deshawn Stevenson shows his 3-goggles after a Mavs Moneyball. As for Sammy, not only were these damn planes screwing up his star-gazing, but they seem like they have been a real nuissance for those already troubled Garland residents. Some may call him a federal criminal, but WWCD calls him a local hero. Keep gettin' your laser on, bro. FREE SAMMY LADYMON!

What's Better Than Watching the Rangers End a 2-Game Losing Skid?

How about watching the remnants of hot dog #27 fall all over Knoxie and his microphone faster than a Hamilton line drive reaches the stands? I've got one little problem though Big Chris. If that's "eating 26 dogs" then I think I can eat 26 too. Hell, on Dollar Dog Night gimme a 100! Since competitive eating is a professional sport in this country, you've gotta throw a flag on this every time. I think I speak for everyone when I say that 26 hot dogs should be fully digested before you go around celebrating like the Heat after beating Boston and calling out the great Tom Grieve, who I'm quite certain swallows every bite of every praline he eats in that booth.

By the way - What's with the clown in the Pirates T-shirt in the beginning of the video next to him? Pirates? At least pick a kick ass team and front-run it in style or something.

Mavs TV Host/Token Blonde/Supposed Country Singer in New, Unwatchable Reality Show

There are few things this country needs more than affordable sources of energy, a cure for cancer, or a rational solution for saving Medicare and Social Security. One of those is clearly another TV show about young women referring to themselves as hard-working and/or divas while convincing their minimally-educated, sweatpants-wearing, frozen dinner-eating female viewer that the scripted, pre-planned activities represent everyday life. For anyone wanting to see four heavily made-up, unattractive girls talk about horses, drinking, why college wasn't for them, and hilarious hi jinks, click here. You could probably just get the same feeling by slowly carving into your wrist with a dull razor blade for a minute and a half, or watching replays of the 2006 NBA Finals. If you are excited about the July 14th premiere though, then watch out, cause these feisty cowgirls know that everything's bigger in Texas, especially the fun! Or some other painfully terrible tease you can probably hear on CMT until then.

Dirk Making Sinus Infections, Miami, & 4th Quarters His Bitch

It's official. The only thing that can stop Dirk is Dirk himself. Not a torn tendon. Not a 102 temperature. Not even a couple of Heat jumpsuit-wearing Miami d-bags screaming during Mavs free throws from under the basket. Think this guy would sit in a wheelchair and cry like a little bitch like Wade? Hell no. Think he's going to shrink in the spotlight like Lebron, who got outscored by the Moneyballer, DeShawn Stevenson? Get the hell outta here. Dirk will pour in ten points in the 4th quarter faster than you can find your remote's rewind button. Don't sleep on Tyson's 13 pts, 16 reb either. We've got ourselves a series, MFFL's!

Is 2011 Going to be the Summer of Troy?

The Park Cities People paparazzi are crushing the Dallas celebrity scene like they're TMZ, catching America's favorite quarterback and broadcaster gettin' his kids the hell outta town for the summer. The question is, considering that he is now childless, is single, is trying to unload his Highland Park mansion, was spotted up close at Finals Game 3, and is obviously ruggedly handsome, when he is going to move into a McKinney Avenue efficiency and drag home girls too young to know he played football? Surely he can probably get the fellow athlete/local celeb hookup at Hully & Mo's, trade drinks for autographs at Christies, and upstage Big Al at the MAT, but if you're him why not put on the rings and tight, collarless shirt and hit up that bottle service like you hear about? This town clearly needs more hard-partying athletes, and current Cowboys can't do it alone. We all know that when it's time to get down, Rangers are changing diapers in the mid-cities, Mavs are trying to get engaged to ex-cons or Miss Universe winners, and Stars meddle in obscurity. This city needs you Troy, now go close down Lotus after Game 4!

Get This German Some Help!

MJ had Pippen. Duncan had Parker and Ginobili. Kobe had Shaq then Gasol. Wade had Shaq and now Lebron. Pierce got Garnett and Allen. Billups had Hamilton and Ben and Rasheed Wallace. Hakeem had Drexler. Those are all of your NBA Champions since 1990. That's it. 21 years, and all have a common denominator. What does Dirk get after pouring in 34 points on 11/21 shooting, including 15 4th qtr points in Game 3?
- Terry 5/13, 15 pts
- Marion 4/12, 10 pts
- Chandler 1/4, 5 pts
- Kidd 3/8, 9 pts, 4 turnovers
- Barea 2/8, 6 pts, 4 turnovers
- Peja 1/2, 2 pts

The Game 1 loss? Two guys scored in double digits (Marion with 16 and Terry with 12).

Going to need to Mavs Moneyballs from anyone other than the big German real soon.

Bentley Green Getting You Ready for the Weekend and Game 3

"Ya'll little boys can't mess with the Mavericks." You know it, the Benefactor knows it, Bentley knows it, and now Lebron and D-Wade know it. Now, you have all weekend to soak in the sweet celebration and wash your Dirk shirt before it's time to get serious again.

What Would You Rather Have: A 15-pt 4th Qtr Comeback Road Win vs Lebron in the Finals or Mind-Blowing Sex?

Absolute no-brainer, and don't sit there and call the Benefactor gay or that the Mavs were going to come back from down 0-2. Nonsense. First, if you're reading this blog, you're probably not going to do anything nearly mind-blowing enough to help that unlucky soul who found themselves in bed with you enjoy it, and that misses is soon looking like the poor chick above whether you get your O-face on or jump for joy like a 90 pound, pony-tailed cheerleader in your apartment living room.

If you're a fan of any team you take this win every day of the week and twice on Sunday. I mean, you especially take this if you're a Miami fan and your team does this since you're paying for sex anyway, but the chance to take it back to the city of winners with the series tied for Game 3 on the Lord's day? Who do you think HE is rooting for? Christ himself has been wearing a faded MFFL shirt since '02 and uses his Lebron voodoo doll more than D-Wade uses the ref's whistle.

Bring it on, Heat. This crowd's gonna to be crazier than Redbird Mall during a Foot Locker clearance sale.

Today's Lesson: If You Want to Smoke Laced Pot and Walk on Water, Make it a Guys' Night

DALLAS - A Dallas man missing since Saturday was found dead Monday in Rochester Park. Marvin Ray Proctor Jr., 25, went to the South Dallas park Saturday night with a girlfriend, according to police and family. His girlfriend told police that after the two smoked marijuana dipped in PCP, her “mind went to another place” and she fell asleep. When she woke up several hours later, Proctor was gone.
The girlfriend searched the park the next day, and after locating Proctor’s hat at the edge of a pond, she contacted Dallas Police, but authorities found nothing after searching with helicopters and boats. A police spokesperson said the girlfriend called Monday afternoon to say she had found Proctor’s body in the pond.
As police pulled her brother out of the water Monday, Dominique Proctor wept in the arms of her friends. She said her “baby brother” — who had children and was separated from his wife — had a drug problem, and that his new girlfriend had recalled him saying, “Do you think I can walk on water?” Saturday night.

Can you believe this selfish bitch girlfriend? Memorial Day Weekend was going great for the two young lovebirds, probably just coming back from the Byron Nelson, enjoying a little dust on their grass. Then, leave it to the chick to back out when the guy just tries to do something special as a couple, like she's always whining about, and leave the poor guy on his own when he tries to get blazed and frolic in the pond. Even worse, she takes off and doesn't even come back until the next day to look for him, no doubt smoking the rest of the super weed herself. This guy's only mistake was putting ho's before bro's when trying to party like Charlie Sheen. Memorial Day Weekend isn't one for amateurs, Marvin.

By the way - For all of you kids out there, adding dust on your weed is adding PCP, also called "super weed". The Benefactor is all street. Don't forget it.

MIA: One Serbian Sniper, Others

Peja: 0-3
JJ: 1-8
JET: 3-10
Mavs Bench: 17 points
Heat Bench: 27 points

Glad the Mavs finally get to capitalize with league's best bench, right? I mean, it's like playing your former self... bad, forced-jump-shot city from the Heat all night long. Seriously though, just hang around and get your standard bench contributions, and it's Mavs in 5, right? Right??

Also, don't sleep on the Mavs ineptitude under the boards, yet again: Offensive Rebounds: MIA 16, DAL 6