Why Your "Tony Romo Sucks" Argument Sucks

We've all heard it after a soul-crushing loss, at the bar or the next morning at the office. They will frequently sport jerseys, and rarely pay close attention to NFL teams outside the metroplex. They are easily-angered. They are reactionary. They are loud. Most importantly, they are stupid. Very stupid. As smart people know, it takes more time to make the better point. You aren't trying to be Tony Romo's biggest fan, you just understand football, damnit. Armed with these points, you can enter into battle with the confidence and smugness you deserve...

So Here's the Dude Arrested for Tuggin' in a Stationary Aisle in an Oak Cliff Wal-Mart

DALLAS - Police arrested a man who they say masturbated inside a Walmart and then attacked an officer who tried to confront him on Tuesday in West Oak Cliff.

A loss prevention officer said he saw Tommy Darnell Daniels, 23, exposed himself and began walking behind an employee while inside the store in the 1500 block of N. Cockrell Hill Road. Police said in an arrest warrant affidavit that Daniels, who was “playing with himself,” walked around the stationary aisles and then stood near a register.

He then put his genitals away and went inside a restroom, where a Dallas police officer went to arrest him for indecent exposure. Daniels kicked and punched an officer, who used a stun gun on him, according to the affidavit.

Sure it's easy to point and laugh when it's not you getting caught publicly-masturbating, but let's give credit where credit is due. Tommy Daniels woke up Tuesday morning, and there was one thing on his to-do list: rub one out in a Wal-Mart. Did you accomplish your goals today? I haven't crossed anything off my list in three years. More importantly, did he hunker down in the lingerie section like some amateur? Nope, my boy Tommy marched in and went straight to the safest, loneliest place you could find in South Oak Cliff, the writing aisle. I'd put up a fight too if some smart-ass cop foiled a plan of mine half that fail-proof.