You Don't Showboat in Drew Henson's Highland Park Yard, Tease His Dogs, and Walk Away Free and Easy

HIGHLAND PARK, TX - Highland Park Animal Control has quarantined a dog owned by former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Drew Henson after it allegedly bit a 7-year-old boy last week. The incident occurred on the night of Nov. 7 when a father and son were walking their dog along the 4600 block of Lorraine Ave near the Dallas North Tollway. As the boy and father walked in front of Henson's house, three unleashed dogs in his front yard chased after the boy, according to a Highland Park police report released this week. The boy tried to escape but one dog bit him above one of his hips and caused the wound to swell, police said. When the father, Randall Descenes, confronted Henson about his dogs, Henson said "he did not need to have his dog on a leash since they were in his front yard," the report states.

Can you believe the audacity of these people? This isn't the Mid-Cities. Obviously new to the area, cause if you're livin' in HP next to Dallas' great luminaries, you've gotta know when to have a little respect. You can't just go high-steppin' in the lawn of a former Cowboys great with raw meat in your pocket right in the face of some innocent puppies. You do understand he led America's Team to a first half tie against the Bears on Thanksgiving in '04, right? Have you started for the Cowboys? Didn't think so. Punk kid probably wasn't even born yet. Either way put a band-aid on it and walk it off. You sure as hell aren't playing for the Scots with that weak game.

Where We Finally Settle the Eternal Debate Over Whether or Not a Transgended Widow Is Entitled to Death Benefits

WHARTON, Texas – The transgender widow of a Wharton County firefighter appeared in court on Monday to appeal a judge’s ruling that her marriage was invalid. A judge recently ruled Nikki Araguz’s marriage to Captain Thomas Araguz was not valid because she was born a man, making her ineligible to receive $600,000 in her husband’s death benefits. Araguz has been fighting with the firefighter’s family over the benefits ever since his death in a blaze at a local egg farm last year. Thomas Araguz’s family argued that the money should go to the two children he had with his ex-wife.

From a year earlier...
Born Justin Graham Purdue, Nikki married Thomas in August 2008, but in April of [2010], their attorney informed Thomas of his wife's previous identity and they separated. Thomas Araguz died later on July 4 battling a massive fire. Lawyers cite that the couple's marriage could not be considered legal because in the state of Texas, in which Thomas and Nikki were Wharton residents, two men cannot be married. The lawsuit claims that under Texas law, a person that undergoes a sex change is still considered the same sex that their birth certificate shows.

I'll tell you one thing, you shouldn't have to move to some armpit in South Texas and still have to preside over a shit-storm like this. This poor judge probably thought he was still in Austin. At any rate, it seems like a pretty open and shut case on the surface, just telling this greedy freakshow to shove it, that his family and previous kids deserve the money, transgendered people aren't real people anyway... blah, blah, blah. Well I'm sorry, but I'm not buying it for a second. Unless this firefighter was legally retarded, he got punked fair and square. Rule number one before any marriage: you've gotta look under the hood before signing the papers. You're telling me this joker never even knew his wife had a dick? No clue? Wake up, brah. Just because God doesn't love transgenders doesn't mean they can't swindle a cool $600k from your kids and their real mom like your read about. Think the guys at the firehouse gave him a little grief over that one? Ol' Captain Thomas was just sittin' back and enjoying those mean BJ's from some dude named Justin, a little too fat and happy to find out the inconvenient truth, and now his reputation and his kids have to pay. Hell, I woulda skipped town and started a vicious egg farm fire death rumor too... shit's humiliating. I probably would have at least said it was a gasoline farm though, makes the accidental death a little more conceivable.

Cowboys Gettin Played in Their Own Backyard

Very misleading score above. Boys are definitely losing where it counts. You can't just let some spare opponent waltz into your house and steal your best talent with the entire world watching. Only thing worse would have been if he pulled the ol' double palm-to-ass cheek reach-around right in the field-level suite holders grill. If he scores again I wouldn't be shocked he motorboats those beauties while on the jumbo-tron. Total power move that would definitely put the game away. Cowboys could get back in the game by showing the tape of how how Romo's kid was made on the big screen though. Don't think Witten wasn't in the corner filming and high-fiving the whole thing.

Enough of This Depressing Shit, Let's Celebrate Some Hippies Getting Pounded

Tired of Paterno and pedophile talk? Already sick of campaigns and debates with a year left before elections? That Rangers hangover still lingering? Occupy protesters leaving you questioning humanity? Well, we can certainly all celebrate cops ramming entitled, idealistic Berkeley punks without any meddling, over-rated provaction to take you into the weekend. [Clicks play on video, cranks up Avicii's Levels at the 1:07 mark, pounds a Red Bull Vodka, drops some X, ready to dominate the weekend.]

How to Go Straight to Hell from South Dallas

OAK CLIFF - [This] was taken by surveillance cameras at St. Cecilia Catholic School on Mary Cliff, just off Davis and Hampton in Oak Cliff. According to the police report, the three boys got away with quite the haul, including three Dell laptops, five flat-screen monitors and a few thou in other electronics.

That's some big balls on some little kids, huh? I mean, as Occupy Dallas knows, it's one thing to go south of the Trinity and pick on the greedy fat-cats at Wal-Mart, but when you break into a poor, Catholic elemantary school run by an even poorer church in your own neighborhood and swipe some donated swag from the few people who actually still care about your failed, handout-seeking community, that takes a special kind of horrible soul. The worst crime may be that they are too young to appreciate the depressing irony. Just imagine, every time you pay more in taxes, you're really just handing over your paycheck to families who churn out kids like these. Go America! Happy Friday!

Wash Turns into Richard Pryor Before World Series Game Sevens

Ron Washington's Game 7 Clubhouse Speech from JoeSportsFan.com on Vimeo.

Old school brother droppin F-bombs like they're goin out of style.

Occupy Dallas Just Protestin' for a Living Wage and Plowin' the Underage Like It's a Job

Let's not forget that these are the same clowns who should already be a laughing stock by the pro's up at Occupy Wall Street cause they hit up a South Dallas Wal-Mart and acted like they snuck into Bank of America's evil lair and discovered a bunch of suits burning kittens and minorities' dreams while laughing and smoking fine cigars. But now they've gotta creep on some homely, pre-pubescent runaway? Probably not the most effective way to get your point across. Just lacks any professionalism, really. Like, there's a reason you're the whatever % who can't get a job and sucks at life. While it starts with the fact that your trying to get your swag on in a chilly, diseased downtown tent, occupying yourself in some underage pants while in a city that surrounds you with hot, legal ass is really what separates you from life's winners you protest against. Guess Richard didn't know that our downtown means only beating traffic tickets by day and crushing Mantus by night. Amatuers probably can't even get bottle service in that VIP tent. Act like a professional, Dick.

It's Official: West Village Has Fully Come Out of the Closet

Let's be honest for a minute. For a few years now we've all been growing a little uncomfortable when waiting on a Blue Burger at Burger Bar, and forget getting a drink at Mi Cocina. Food's still fine and all, but it's just impossible not to notice the creeping influence of the Gay on what was once a pretty choice area for bro's looking to get their drink on before walking across the street to the Loon. Well, now I'm afraid our little old West Village has contracted the full-blown gay. They weren't happy taking over Cedar Springs like unassimilating Muslims in a progressive, over-tolerant Euro-state. Now they're bringing Halloween flash mobs outside Taco Diner while you're trying to sip your Mambo Taxi in relative hetero tranquility. If we're not careful, that stripper pole at the Lemon Bar is going to have the Indian chief from the Village People goin' Macho Man on it instead of the blonde heat you used to see when you walked in trying to get pregnant from it. Is there like a scent we can use as a repellent? What about a high-pitched whistle? Is that for gays or dogs? I don't even know anymore!