Not the Best Time, WFAA Tower

When I'm stuck in epic eastbound I-30 traffic after an epic failure, not the best time at all. Oh, and go fist yourself, CJ.

WWCD Crew Watching First Pitch With the Masses in the Cheap Seats

Just cause you can't see the ball doesn't mean you can't see the small-town Ranger sluts struttin' that ass in those cut-off jeans and sheepish, jail-bait grins.

You Have Until Friday at 4 to Grab Your Rangers Hat and Jersey T

Franchise record 96 wins. Closing out the year winning 14 of 16 and six straight. Offense crushing bombs like you dream about. Rays, Sox, '27 Yankees... who gives a shit. This team is ready for October baseball.

Touchdowns Are Over-Rated

Bring on more blondes and low fives!

Rangers Clinch AL West with Five Games Left, Tell Angels to Go F Themselves

(Pictures below from Dallas Morning News)

How's it feel, Anaheim? Still feels pretty good to live in the city of winners down here. Even better when you can clinch at home in front of the fans that hung around to watch Oakland beat Weaver.

Fort Worth Freshman Suspended for Comments on Gays, Still Has a Long Way to Go to Become a WWCD Intern

FORT WORTH – A foreign language class and the First Amendment collided at Western Hills High School on Tuesday when Dakota Ary said he made a casual comment to a friend. “Someone in the back of the classroom asked, ‘What are the views on gays in Germany and Europe?,’” Ary explained. “And I said to my friend behind me that, ‘I’m a Christian, I believe gays are wrong.'” The comment landed the high school freshmen in a vice-principal’s office with a disciplinary note. School administrators then suspended Dakota for two days, until his mother hired an attorney and met with principals on Wednesday morning. Dakota’s mother, Holly Pope, said her son maintains good grades, plus he plays tight end on the freshmen football team.

Look, Dakota, no one respects your right to free speech, particularly about the intrusive and overbearing gay community, more than me. It's just that when it came time make the Varsity Intolerance Team, you just solidified your place on the Freshmen squad for the year. First, if you're going to call queens out, you've gotta start going by your middle name or something, not the name of a frail child actress. Second, if you're gonna get that precious TV airtime, you've gotta drop a Mucinex or at least hawk that phlegm out like it's your job. Clean it up a little, homecoming's right around the corner. Third, tight end? Come on, bro, no one's buying it with that frame, or else your QB is a Romo lung puncture waiting to happen. Even Witten has to block first, buddy, it's not all about pass-catching and glory. Finally, you can't just come out and say that "gays are wrong." You got baited and drawn offsides by something that was bigger than you or the original question, and you moved us all back 5 yards in the process. It's way too direct, abrasive, and hurtful. Try working for a blog that underhandedly points out the moral and social deficiencies of the gay in a cheap and sarcastic, yet convenient and hilarious forum. It's how everyone wins, Dakota, without the cumbersome suspensions or meddling, hyper-tolerant administrators. Heed this advice, get that degree, and talk to me in four years. There just might be a spot for you at WWCD if you can tighten that game up. The gays will still be here for you.

Dallas Gays Mail In Pride Parade, Must Be Saving Up for Halloween

DALLAS — A colorful celebration of gay pride had thousands lining the streets of Oak Lawn on Sunday. The theme of this year's Alan Ross Texas Freedom Parade was "It only gets better." Fort Worth City Council member Joel Burns served as honorary grand marshal. His tearful speech about being bullied as a teen over his sexuality made national headlines last fall. Members of the Dallas City Council and new Mayor Mike Rawlings threw beads from a float. Dallas County Sheriff Lupe Valdez also took part in the 28th annual event, riding a horse.

I'm not really sure if this 30-second video got any more wild because I fell asleep at the 15-second mark, and then tried again but fell alseep right after hitting play. In fact, even the article about the parade was more exciting than parade itself, because then at least I felt better about having missed video of our fat ass sheriff permanently disfuguring a horse's spine or some cry-me-a-river story about some dude who was bullied as a kid. I can only hope this was just poor coverage, because it will be a sad day when we can't use gay pride parades to make us normal people feel better about ourselves by pointing and laughing at boot-wearing brunettes, father-less, Bravo-watching sausage jockeys, and unstably-costumed trannies.

Can We Responsibly Assume That a Grandkid Was Sacrified for That One?

It was probably the chick... always on the damn phone.

I Needed This Guy As Head of WWCD Security and I Needed Him Yesterday

His team just went up 14-0 five feet behind him, and does he even flinch? Hell no, he's got his eye on those dirty San Fran hippies like he's Secret Service working a parade. At someone's acting like a professional down there.

Rangers and Kate the Great Tell Cleveland to Bounce, Bring on the Weekend

Let's bring those brooms to Seattle, boys...

CC Carpet: You Win, We Surrender, Now Please Get the F Outta Here

Congratulations, CC Carpet. You threw a piece of shit against the wall to see if it would stick, and it turned into gold. All month long we've suffered through watching you whore both your daughter and the glory of a Major League Grand Slam so your customers could get a refund on their knockoff formica. Not only did you swindle an honest insurance company out of a cool $500k while managing to get your name thrown around even on Deadspin, but you successfully made me hang my head in defeat when my favorite baseball team scored FOUR runs with one swing during a division chase. This sure as hell better mean that I don't have to watch blondie struggle to find the camera again, which allows us all to dedicate more of our hostility towards the overly-attitudinal Taco Cabana girl.

TCU Killing Baylor Where It Counts: The Fray, On Campus

I know, I know, the Benefactor must be a fag, dudes don't listen to the f'ing Fray, yeah yeah yeah. Well, listen here, kiddo, college concerts aren't about you. They aren't about expanding your musical horizons or betting how deep into their catalogue the band can go. They're about one thing - gettin' chicks wet, and there isn't a better band in the game right now than The Fray. You stand next to some smokin' heat in front of a live performance of "You Found Me," have the lyrics memorized like it's your fantasy football roster, sing along like talent scouts are watching, and you're shooting fish in a barrel. Bombshells who ordinarily wouldn't give a scumbag like you the time of day will be on your junk before you two can find a room. It's more of a guarantee than ruffie-filled trashcan punch, and without the guilt... the guilt of sullying a good trashcan obviously. This is what being a BCS team is all about, just winnin' big bowls and poundin' tight holes. "T-C-U! T-C-U! T-C-U!"

At Least One Fat Dallas Feminist Still Thinks Pictures of Fat Feminists Will Sell Products

DALLAS - Dallas actress and SMU student Nancy Upton was not pleased with American Apparel’s call for plus-size models. The company, which has a history of what some might call “sleazy” behavior, held an online contest called “The Next BIG Thing” (the emphasis is theirs), looking for “booty-ful” women “XL-ent” enough to model a new line of size 12-14 clothing. While plenty of women submitted standard model-type shots of themselves (think hands on hips, hair blowing in the breeze), Upton sent in photos of herself posing provocatively with various foods. The pictures show Upton in her underwear, pouring chocolate syrup and ranch dressing on herself. Others show Upton eating fried chicken in a pool, naked with only a cherry pie, and laying on a dining room table with an apple in her mouth. (You can see the photos here.)

No matter how many times you tell a chick something, it just doesn't stick, huh? Hot chicks move merchandise. Period. Clothes, cars, computers, cupcakes, condoms, cookbooks, credit cards... doesn't matter. No doubt this cow is a smug humanities major at SMU, because if she actually studied marketing, she would understand why people apparently shop at and enjoy this American Apparel garbage. Newsflash to frumpy feminists everywhere, it isn't because they put up pictures of your fat, under-clothed ass eating fried chicken miles away from a gym. For once, a company even tried throwing a bone at your kind, and this entitled broad can't even take it as a compliment and just say thanks. Sure they were probably never going to really use plus-size model pics and were probably using it as a PR move, but you can't prove that. You had to get your bitter, hipster friends and make an ironically funny-that-wasn't-funny protest piece to commandeer the spotlight instead of simply setting up a few sessions with a personal trainer and switching to salads. Wrong campus, and wrong town, Upton. Don't bring that weak game here. Keep it in Austin where it belongs, and let me know how tough it is to peddle your product when showcasing pasty plus sizes at an innocent, unsuspecting audience. And get your ass in kitchen and make me a ham sandwich after you iron my pants, bitch.

You Just Can't Expect to Win When Soprano's in the House

Welcome to 2011, Cowboys fans.

Houston Area High School Athletes Tired of Losing, Can't Even Win at Cheating

HOUSTON - A veteran teacher and volleyball coach is at the center of a drug trafficking ring that may have targeted his own students, police said. Friendswood police arrested Timothy Todd Porter and two other men about 6:30 a.m. on Wednesday after a raid on the coach's home in League City. It began after Friends­wood police were tipped off that Porter was selling steroids.

The search of Porter's home uncovered 98 grams of Stanozolol and 35 grams of Anabar - both steroids. "We believe that there are students out there that he has sold to," [Friends­wood police officer Lisa] Price said. In addition to the Galveston County possession charge, Porter is accused of two counts in Harris County of delivery of controlled substances - including cocaine, according to the Friends­wood police. In addition to coaching volleyball, Porter taught physics and astronomy at Clear Springs High. He had been employed by Clear Creek ISD for 22 years.

Typical Harris County "life isn't fair so we're going to roid up to finally beat those Dallas schools at something other than sweating through ridiculous humidity and aspiring to be Aggies" amateurism. Certainly can't hate the middle man here. Old man Porter was just trying to save his job through these public school layoffs by trying to build a winner the easy Teachers' Union way. If you want to get mad at someone, blame these free-loading kids who apparently don't pay any attention to the D/FW kids who know that winning isn't easy and just say no to drugs, put in the long hours in the weight room, and win trophies the old-fashioned way like you grow up dreaming about. Gotta give him extra props though for sneaking in that sweet cocaine though. There's room on the WWCD team anyday if you know how to party.

Running a Daycare in Van Alstyne Just Got a Lot Tougher

VAN ALSTYNE - A daycare owner is under arrest Thursday after allegedly drugging children in her care. Kimberly Lane, the owner of Luv N Learning daycare in Van Alstyne, allegedly mixed antihistamine with the milk she was serving to children. Police say she told them she wanted the kids to sleep. The children were between the ages of 20 months and four-and-a-half years old. None were seriously injured. Lane was charged with 16 counts of child endangerment and the daycare is being investigated by Child Protective Services.

So apparently the Van Alstyne Police Department isn't familiar with the old adage, "May he who is without drugging screaming kids to get them to shut up cast the first stone." No doubt everyone's been in Kimberly's shoes here before, but in her case she's got to deal with over a dozen entitled, loud-mouth, two-year-old punks. I guess those little bastards didn't get the memo that not only is Thursday nap-time happy hour specials day at the Luv N Learnin, but pollen is kicking everyone's ass around here. I wish Mrs. Benefactor would have slipped some of that sweet cherry delight into my nightly Vodka-Red Bull instead of coughing on me and rendering this blogger incapable of posting all week through a congested head and nasal cavity. Is it too late to hire this Mrs. Lane to serve my WWCD watch party over the weekend? I may need something slipped into my drink when my college football wagers turn as sour as original flavor NyQuil.

While Dallas Says, "Let's Just Be Friends" and Settles for Silver, Austin Sleeps Their Way to the Top

MEN'S HEALTH - ...We looked at condom sales (Nielsen); birth rates (state health departments); sex toy sales (Pure Romance and babeland.com); and, for when either the condom or common sense fails, rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis (state health departments).
America's Most Sex-Happy Cities:

Austin, TX

Overall Ranking: 1st
Condom Sales: 1st
Birth Rates: 15th
STD Rates: 23rd

Dallas, TX

Overall Ranking: 2nd
Condom Sales: 5th
Birth Rates: 6th
STD Rates: 25th

I just can't get over these selfish Austinites. First their Longhorn Network rips apart an entire conference, then when they don't think they've stolen enough headlines they start some fires and are all-of-the-sudden more newsworthy than finding Gaddafi. Now those smelly hippies have somehow slithered their way into enough panties to grab a national magazine's attention? Look here Men's Health, Austin may be having sex, but that sure as hell doesn't mean they are "sex-happy" and enjoying it. No chick really enjoys letting a Birkenstock and poncho-wearing stoner stick his diseased junk inside her, but when you just need some sweet bud and you're short on cash, what are you gonna do? These are tough economic times, especially for poor, state-schooled college kids. You at least have to give 'em props for making those Bob Marley wanna-be's suit up first, if ya know what I mean. Either way, it's still inexcusable for the City of Champions to concede any contest that should be in the bag. You can't just take mediocre holidays off if you want that trophy. If you ain't busy tryin', you're busy dyin', Dallas, so let's step up the game like you brag about and give some hot Henderson Avenue sluts a nice tour of Poundtown, ASAP.

Is There Anything Cubes Can't Do?

Nailin' picks and poundin' chicks. Must be Gameday Saturday.