Happy 54th Birthday, Cubes

Party like your Hoosier days, poundin' those hungry drives with your floppy disk.

Dirk Nowitzki Continues to Lose the Marriage Game

KENYA - Here are more photos of Dallas Mavericks’ Dirk Nowitzki during a ceremony where he paid dowry for his bride to be Jessica Ollson. The NBA star was in Kenya honoring his fiance’s wish to hold a traditional Kikuyu ceremony commonly practised in Kenya.
Jessica is said to still hold this customary ceremony dear and expressed her wish to share the moment with her extended family in Kenya. The couple is scheduled to hold an official wedding in Germany.

I know everybody and their girlfriend has already talked about this potential Dirk wedding or whatever, but I just can't let it go. It's bad enough when you're still fighting through your buddies' "I told ya so's" from a failed engagement to a transient grifter during a playoff run. Now he's gettin' dragged over to Obama-land to get ass-whipped with goat-tails and the icy stares of javelin-wielding bridesmaids. Weren't we all told this broad was from Sweden anyway? Who needs the natural beauty of a Stockholm summer when you can take the Texas heat to a third world backyard I guess. She better do moves in the sack my wife doesn't even know about.

The Mythical Blow and Russian Roulette Combo Rarely Ends Well

DALLAS - A Northwest Dallas man died yesterday in an apparent game of Russian roulette. Police say Luis Bocanegra, 32, was drinking and snorting cocaine with a friend in their apartment in the 3000 block of Valley Meadow Drive. They then decided to play Russian roulette with a .38 revolver. The two took turns putting the gun to their heads and pulling the trigger, police said. On one of Bocanegra’s turns, the gun fired. He was dead when emergency crews responded.

There's a fine line we tight-rope across here at WWCD, and that's dealing with death. 99% of the time it's a stay-away, but it's not all drunk-driving accidents and cancer victims. Every once in a while you get a Luis Bocanegra, who lived life like everyone else only jokes about at mere football and imported beer parties. This bro's lived more in one drug and adrenaline-fueled night than most mortals do in a lifetime, and went out guns blazin' like only he knew how [editor: scrap the pun if too soon]. Only Luis, his roulette partner, and God know how hard he must have rolled when it wasn't a Sunday. If those nights didn't involve pistol-whipping a hooker outside of a high-stakes cock-fighting ring, I will be sorely disappointed.

Fort Worth Doesn't Like Sex Shops, Prefers Its Lovemaking Dry, Missionary, and Joyless

First of all, if being a regional media mogul ever stops paying the bills and I have to start slingin' sex jellies and anal beads from some low-rent mall kiosk, there's no question I would've called it the Velvet Box. Guess I'll have to go with runners-up Satan's Doorbell or The Whisperin' Eye.

At any rate, tough break for Fort Worth here. It's bad enough being the forgotten little brother of D/FW, but if you do get laid, you're telling everybody that your partner didn't enjoy it. I'm not saying everyone needs to incorporate ball gags and love swings, especially while drunk and accident-prone, but how about at least slippin' into some skimpy, lacy number that's sexier than a faded, over-sized Mickey Mouse T-shirt, sweetheart? Not to mention a little something to lube the gaskets a bit before a long ride, for safety's sake. Marcelle knows it, and so do all dried-up love tunnels everywhere. How about the poor bastards who end up home alone on Saturday night and have to drive to Bedford to pick up their FleshLight like freakin' losers? While the rest of the Metroplex is slaying the Kama Sutra, Fort Worth is fumbling to find the right hole in the dark.

Ghostbar is Closing, Dallas to Become Considerably Less Kick-Ass

DALLAS - Two of the last remaining food and drink spots from the early days of Victory Park – Craft Dallas and the Ghostbar – will close soon, according to a statement from the W Dallas Victory hotel. Craft Dallas, celebrity chef Tom Colicchio’s North Texas expansion, will close at the end of summer and reopen in the early fall as Cook Hall, an American gastropub.
Ghostbar, on the 33^rd floor, will close later this month.
Hotel management sees the change as a “natural evolution.”

Well, I honestly don't know what's more devastating, that this great city will soon be losing it's finest lounge, or that it was completely buried in everyone's story by the closing of a run-of-the-mill steakhouse for yet another gastropub. Either way, it's been a real rough stretch for the great Ghostbar. First it's founder did himself in last November, now the legendary institution itself will soon be found lifeless in an enclosed garage with nothing but a running foreign sports car and tearful regret. Say what you will, but of all the many cheesy ultra lounges in this town, you couldn't beat the Ghostbar's starpower or view. Was truly a must-visit. No word yet on the real reason for the closing, or what will become of the some of the hottest square footage in town, but tip some Grey Goose and palm-slap a high-dollar escort's ass tonight in its honor.

Jaguars' Football Player Tweets Daily Schedule, Gives Me an Idea

So sites and blogs everywhere have been talking about this offseason sched from the Jag's DE Austen Lane, and for good reason. Dude is clearly killing it. Got me thinking that it may be time to pull the curtain back a little on the day-to-day around here...

A media mogul is a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.

Irving-Based Chuck E. Cheese to Exterminate Limp-Dicked Spokes-Mouse for a Kick-Ass Rock Star

IRVING - In a media campaign set to launch Thursday, the parent of the Chuck E. Cheese’s chain hopes to rebrand its spokes-mouse as a rock star. The new campaign, from the Dallas-based Richards’ group, is called “Chuck E. Rocks,” and features the voice of Jaret Reddick, best known as the lead singer and songwriter for the pop-punk band Bowling for Soup.
“It’s the perfect evolution of the brand and one that will speak directly to kids,” Rhonda Zahnen, principal at The Richards Group, said in a statement.
The campaign will launch Thursday with a TV spot focused on belonging. Three other spots will focus on “fun,” “power” and “birthdays,” each named for something a child experiences at Chuck E. Cheese’s. The Irving-based chain also will promote rock star Chuck E. online and in its 554 restaurants.

Well I guess someone just got put back in the birthday rotation, didn't they? There wasn't a harsher buzzkill then hitting up the Cheese and having that squid kill my skeeball domination. Chuck's game has been gone for years, always sporting cheap, outdated clothes with heavily-liquored breath, groping the pregnant moms, and killing the band's trademark chemistry. Even the distracted five-year-olds knew it was time to go, but word on the street is that the wolf and bear caught him hastily disposing a used heroin needle underneath a pepperoni pizza just before going on stage for the afternoon's 47th rendition of "Happy Birthday." Not everybody can handle the celebrity lifestyle for long, but I'm pretty confident Chuck E. Rocks can. Rock star swag for days while crushing the Les Paul, jeans, and Converses. Plus, anybody who emphasizes "fun, power, and birthdays" has a spot on my team anyday.

Get Me These Dwarf Footballers for My 4th of July Party!

ARLINGTON - A cluster of smaller-than-average hands dispersed on cue as the orange-shirted members of Alpha Dwarves took the field under the lights at mammoth Cowboys Stadium.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Yep, nothing celebrates America quite like watching midgets compete for mini trophies and our drunken enjoyment. And you're damn right that after the game I'm getting them to serve as wait staff for the WWCD 4th of July extravaganza. Is it too late to book the Ritz penthouse? Seriously though, is a midget athletic trainer a straight gig or what? Do you have to get a special certification for it or something?  Just no way I could keep a straight face through the whole stretch.