How Much Should Ranger Fans Worry About Elvis Andrus' New Tattoo?

SURPRISE - Shortstop Elvis Andrus was scratched from the Texas Rangers’ lineup for Thursday’s game against Cleveland because of a novel ailment: post-tattoo sensitivity. Andrus has new body art on the upper left arm featuring a likeness of his late father. The elaborate needle work caused sensitivity in the biceps area.
Andrus will leave the club on Saturday to join Team Venezuela in its preparations for the World Baseball Classic. If Venezuela were to reach the title game, Andrus would be out of camp until March 20.

Gotta respect the balls on Elvis to roll with the ol' "post-tattoo sensitivity" on the official injury report. Everybody makes up spring injuries to make that tee time, but the day E plays golf is the day I play hockey. I feel like we need to know what these low-rent Dominicans are in such a hurry to get to. Throwin' dice in the equipment shed? Cactus League cockfighting ring? For the fans, Elvis. For the fans.

More importantly, we all know that when Elvis' contract is up after the 2014 season, baseball people say he could be a $100+ million man. Is the kind of bro who uses his arm as a permanent family photo album someone you want to give $100 million dollars to? We did just let Ham-bone walk, right? This is baseball, not prison or the NBA. More importantly, this is Dallas, not some backwoods, small market outpost. If you wanna keep bangin' that broad with a smoker's cough and Cesarean scar in the Sherlocks' bathroom til you're 40, be my guest. Just know that you're probably not gonna find a place on my team.

Looks Like Spearmint Rhino's Days in Dallas May be Numbered

 

  

DALLAS - A Dallas jury has awarded $10.5 million to the family of a woman who was killed when she was run over outside a topless club in 2011. The woman, 23-year-old Kasey McKenzie, was crushed under the wheels of a ‘monster truck’ driven by Eric Brent Crutchfield, a patron who had been drinking heavily at the Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen’s Club near Walnut Hill Lane and the Stemmons Freeway.
The verdict against the club came in the trial of a civil suit alleging that employees of the Spearmint Rhino continued to serve drinks to Crutchfield over a period three or four hours, “even though it was or should have been apparent … that Crutchfield was intoxicated to the extent that he presented a clear danger to himself and others.” Crutchfield ran over McKenzie in the parking lot of the strip club as he was leaving around 2 a.m. on March 17, 2011. According to the lawsuit, his blood alcohol content was about twice the legal limit. He told investigators that he had no idea he’d hit anyone.
Under the so-called ‘dram shop’ doctrine, bars, restaurants, liquor stores, and other establishments can be held held liable if they serve alcohol to customers who are clearly intoxicated. A spokesperson for The Schmidt Firm said the $10.5 million jury award was believed to be the biggest dram shop verdict in Dallas County in recent history.

There's not many regrets I keep. Among them, not jumping into the hottub scene sooner, not partying with DJ Mbenga, and not getting the midgets to play football at the WWCD shareholders' meeting. Sneaking up that list may soon be my absence at one of our finer adult entertainment establishments. Unless they appeal this monster, $10 mil is gonna make it pretty tough for these broads to keep their doors open, so to speak. Sure, among the topless joints, the Lodge may be the best, the Clubhouse may be the creepiest, and Jaguars may be the most adulterous, but least I can say I've checked them off my list. I'd say it would be downright criminal if I never got the chance to motorboat some of the more legit sets in the game. Chalk this up to the pitfalls of micro-managing a successful business, I guess. Just can't get away like I used to.

Gyrating Teens Terrorizing Highland Park Village One Harlem Shake at a Time

I don't exactly go out and look for ways to publicize annoying high school kids, but sometimes you've gotta give credit where credit is do. A flash mob of modern-day Village People violently pulsating hips in the face of innocent produce-purchasing senior citizens at Tom Thumb and Mambo Taxi-sipping cougars at Mi Cocina gets the job done for a Wednesday. I'm sure I'm not nearly as happy if they knocked my sunset enchiladas into my lap though.

UPDATE (2/18/13): Little did I realize how nauseatingly overdone this meme would quickly become. Either way, post still stands. You get it done first, you win... like sex.

Next Time I Go to Battle I'm Bringing One Weapon: A Bored Colleyville Mom

 

COLLEYVILLE - A Tarrant County grand jury indicted a Colleyville mother on a charge of leading middle schoolers in a prank that left a neighbor’s home covered in toilet paper, mustard and $6,000 worth of damage. Tara Mauney faces up to 2 years in state jail and a $10,000 fine for her alleged role in the prank, though her attorney said in September that his client was only hosting a sleepover for a group of girls.

According to police documents, vandals struck a home on Alexandra Drive, where another group of middle schoolers were having a sleepover. That home was covered in toilet paper , and sanitary napkins stained with ketchup were stuck to windows and along the driveway. The vandals also left two raw chicken halves in the home’s mailbox, according to police.

Mauney was arrested several days later. Witnesses told police that Mauney was seen at a Euless Walmart the night before the vandalism buying more than 100 rolls of toilet paper with a group of eight children. Surveillance video confirmed it, and showed the woman posing with the young people in a group photo.

Suburban moms doin' it big. No day job, no career validation, husband constantly working late, kids never think you're cool, vibrator on the fritz... Tara saw on opening to fill that emotional void and went all in like only angst-ridden tweens know how. It clearly takes a crafty veteran to know when to push it to 100 rolls or the condiment variety pack, but the raw chicken in the mailbox is next-level stuff. It's what separates the women from the girls. After a couple days the mailman's just gonna have to throw away the collection notices and Kohl's coupons, cause that stench isn't leaving. You've gotta think a fiesty broad like this can go the full twelve rounds in the sack and still crave more though. I mean 50 Shades-type shit. Unfulfilled sexual needs for days.

By the Way - Obviously there's no debate that if I'm ever caught buying toilet paper in bulk at a Euless Wal-Mart, just put me in a straight jacket and lock me up. My life's pretty much over anyway.

Real Talk: What Dude Still Uses Facebook?

CNBC - The power outage at Super Bowl 47 shined light on a growing issue for Facebook. Namely, its lack of relevancy during a live-event.
Super Bowl XLVII, the third most-watched program in television history, was accompanied by 52 national TV commercials, according to internet marketing site Marketing Land. Twitter was mentioned in 26 ads, or 50 percent, aired during CBS' game coverage. Facebook took home four mentions for eight percent.
Facebook and Twitter each received eight mentions out of a total of 59 national commercials during Super Bowl 46 in 2012, wrote Marketing Land. That means Twitter received more than two times as many mentions this year, while Facebook saw a 50 percent drop in big game ad mentions year-over-year.
Why are brands, who shelled out an average of $3.8 million per 30 second spot, shying away from a social network that has 1.06 billion users for a micro-blogging platform that has just 200 million users?
While Facebook may have an extreme edge over Twitter when it comes to the amount of monthly active users, advertisers want engagement on the platforms most inhabited during a live-event.
Facebook, which celebrated its nine year anniversary Monday, has multiple barriers to overcome if it would like to be real-time relevant.
1) Non-Chronological News Feed
In an effort to enhance user experience, Facebook will display interesting content to users upon sign-in. The news feed's algorithm, using several factors to determine top stories, ensures that its users have a pleasant experience in each visit to the site.
"The bigger Facebook gets the slower it becomes," Elimeliah said. "Facebook has been errant in the way it serves up stories. They choose what the Top Stories are rather than force you to look at what the recent stories are. It's antithetical to a live stream." Because Facebook utilizes a Top Posts format and doesn't give its users the ability to view Most Recent Posts in chronological order, users have no reason to live inside the platform in real-time; a visit to Facebook the next morning will produce the previous day's most engaging content.
2) Walled Garden
Although Facebook recently added Subscribe/Follow buttons to give users access to content from those they may not be friends with, the social networking site is mostly used to connect with friends and family members. This means an interesting thought posted to Facebook by a friend of a friend or someone on the other side of the world has little chance of ever appearing in your news feed.
Tweets, on the other hand, by default, are published to the world. Twitter users are encouraged to follow and connect with those that share their interests, while meeting in real life is not a prerequisite. Facebook's mostly closed garden approach — while useful to create an intimate social setting — is a massive real-time barrier.
3) Lack of Brevity
Have you ever watched a movie with someone who makes long-winded points? It's not pleasant. Since Facebook's platform allows for a status of up to 63,206 characters, users aren't exactly focused on keeping it concise.
While not all Facebook posts are paragraphs long, it's hard to consume a stream of content that may require you to take your eyes off the first screen (your television) for more than a few seconds at a time.
"Facebook is an investment in time," Elimeliah said. "The Timeline itself tells us that Facebook is for collecting and scrapbooking your life so that one day, maybe, you will look back on those fond memories."
On the flipside, "Twitter is real-time. The speed of Twitter is what keeps it true. You can't polish your posts because there is no time to polish the post. You have to think fast and think smart. It challenges the way we communicate and is as real-time as real-time can possibly get."
If viewers already struggle reading 140-character Tweets in the vicious cycle of repeatedly checking the TV and their phone, longer status updates stand no chance. Facebook has also fostered a platform where most users share personal experiences and life events, not evoked thoughts while watching a Super Bowl.
4) Competition
Twitter could possibly be Facebook's biggest real-time roadblock. Users and brands recognize Twitter's platform as the current go-to second-screen. Even with a user gap of 800 million between Facebook and Twitter, the latter is clearly the more convenient medium on a companion device.

Obviously some solid points here by CNBC. While I appreciate Facebook's innovation in certain social media areas, its irrelevancy grows with each passing day. Everybody knows that the only people who still use it are bored moms posting daily kid pics, grandparents who comment on those kid pics, and insecure narcissists who need their happy hour at Chili's or their cat's silly sweater validated with an endless parade of emotionally empty "likes." Anyone who has been paying a lick of attention lately knows that Twitter has clearly been where real business takes place. If you want the best, most concise, tailored, and cleanest timelime to follow during a big event like the Super Bowl, it's Twitter. It's not even Twitter that's kicking Facebook's ass either. If a chick wants to post a quality cleav shot, it's Instagram. Facebook's bread and butter, suburban housewives, have moved on to Pinterest. It's not 2006, and kids are hooking up much easier on Tinder. Even the gayballs are stalking on Grindr. So honestly, if you're a dude still on Facebook, wtf are you doing?

Plano Mom Shocked That Nipples Get Hard During Exercise, Sues Caring and Attentive Trainers

PLANO - Jamie Johnson is a mother of two. She was hoping to get back into an exercise routine, so she started going to the LA Fitness club near Coit Road and Bush Turnpike in Plano. She said her experience quickly soured after her two trainers allegedly made sexually explicit comments and put her through unusual exercises.
“The behavior of both trainers is reprehensible,” said attorney Chase Laws.
Johnson said one trainer put her through unusual exercises that she said exploited her.
“I would ask, 'Why this exercise?' or, 'Why are you standing there?' and he would bluntly say: 'So I can see your chest move,'” Johnson said.
She claims the trainer made sexually explicit statements on a daily basis. At one point, Johnson recalled the trainer saying: "I know you’re getting a good workout because your nipples are getting hard."
Johnson said she cried and left the gym and didn't return for months. She came back to LA Fitness only to have another trainer make similar comments and put her in other unusual exercises that she said exploited her body.
Johnson said the final straw was a text message that her five-year-old first opened. It read: “Do u suffer from hard nipple syndrome,” referring to her previous interaction with her first trainer.
Their petition shows the Johnsons are reporting roughly $2,800 in monetary losses. Jamie Johnson is seeking damages for lost wages, psychiatric care, out-of-pocket expenses, and lost earnings.

Sure, in the movies the trainers are all high-fivin' bro's and feelin' up trophy wives. To all the young, aspiring health professionals out there, let this serve as a lesson. The real world's all Jamie Johnsons... overweight, bitter housewives who don't understand the basic human responses to exercise. Should a respected trainer make it a little more clear in the initial consult how he gauges exercise intensity? Probably. Should every professional avoid texts that could serve as evidence? Absolutely. If you don't know that a couple of acorns can sneak into a sports bra after crushing a boot camp class, I think we all know that every exercise is "unusual," don't we Jamie.