DALLAS - It started out as an ordinary transaction: A man walks into the Lyndon B. Johnson Freeway outpost of Sara's Secret just before 9 p.m. Wednesday and asks to see their selection of fetish swings. The employee goes and retrieves an available model and shows it to the customer, who seems impressed. He'll take it, he says, so long as they take plastic. Upon learning that they do, he says he'll just jog out to the car to fetch his credit card.
The customer, swing in hand, walked out the front door to a Nissan sedan where a woman was waiting in the driver's seat. But instead of getting his credit card and returning to complete the purchase, he hopped in the passenger's seat and prepared to drive off.
Before the couple could make it out of the parking lot, however, karma had its way. As the car began rolling, the man fell to the ground, where his leg was run over by the getaway vehicle. The police report doesn't detail how he managed to do this, just that he was able to pull himself rather quickly into the car, which made an escape on the eastbound LBJ service road.
There isn't a more amateur move in the book, really. Yea, everybody gets excited about the thought of hittin' up that bathtub crank and giving your Mesquite beauty queen the ride of her life, but act like you've been there before. You're not stealing some introductory vibrator here. This is the big leagues. You're probably not gonna figure out the directions to get it set up in time to use that night anyway. It's like getting that new 10-speed on Christmas morning that your parents didn't pay to have assembled. That excitement's soon lost in a pile of crumbled instructions, hand-me-down tools, cigarette butts, and expletives. Have a little pride and pay for your sex toys discreetly online like the rest of us.
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