The Five Hottest Victoria's Secret Models from Tuesday's Fashion SmokeShow

So every single living, breathing human, other than degenerate gamblers who liked Ohio St at home last laying a justified seven to Duke, was watching the VS Angels tearing up both the runway and fat chicks' self-esteem. What other reason could there be to watch CBS if it's not football? It's a win-win for the married male who can kick back and stare at bouncing tits with wife in the room, as since it's on network TV and it's all artistic and shit, it's all of the sudden wholesome family viewing and nothing like hunkering over multi-racial porn alone in the back room. So without further ado....

1. Adriana Lima

Hands down, the best of the best for eleven years running. Lima would straight up wreck your dick Brazilian-style and leave you begging for more. The top-paid VS model who, if you believe her story, lost her V-card to NBA spare and current husband Marco Juric, which gives me more reason to distrust Serbians. Had me at last year's show holding that look that would turn Perez Hilton straight...

(fast-forward to 3:25 mark)

2. Erin Heatherton 

Very controversial pick, but this young 22-year-old won me over last night. She's one of the few who is actually from the US, and her freckles were close to changing the way the game is played. Not going to cause the devastation Lima would, but doesn't need to. Uses that youth and innocence to make the veterans keep an eye on her at every turn.

3. Doutzen Koers

The 26-year-old power hitter has been in the game long enough to be both feared and respected. Classic blonde from the Netherlands whose fierce eyes could back down the fiercest challenger and make the rookie Angels know just who rules the roost. No doubt she could grace every VS billboard from now until eternity and no one would complain.

4) Miranda Kerr 

Classic VS Angel over the years who has never really moved my meter until last night. Face was really killing it, but it was probably the tits, or the $2.5 million diamond-encrusted bra covering them up. Personally I would have paid to see her take it off and leave it on the runway. Either way, not bad for a chick who popped out a kid a year ago. At least we know she likes to get down and dirty though.

5. Candice Swanepoel 

Another very controversial pick, because it's tough to leave some of these out. Obviously keeping off perennial contender and 2nd highest paid Angel Alessandra Ambrosio will make the comment section a little nasty, but she's as old as I am, and gun to my head, I'm a blonde guy. With that said, I'm going with the 23 year-old South African and one of the hotter VS girls going lately. The more I watch her the more I think only two sounds come out when she closes the door, purging and rhythmic slapping. Just feel like she knows what she needs to do to stay in the game.