See, Kenyon Martin, This is Why You Can't Have Nice Things

 

 

All pictures from Trulia.com

 

DALWORTHINGTON GARDENS - The Bryan Adams High alum has put his mansion in Dalworthington Gardens on the market. The asking price: $5 million. The 15,000-square-foot “Mediterranean estate” (five beds, six baths) sits on 8.4 acres along Rush Creek, not far from Martin [Arlington] High. It features four bowling lanes, a 10-car garage, seven fireplaces, an immense pool  and, of course, a full basketball court.

Sure, everybody knows a brotha's gotta have marble, black-on-white color schemes, and bowling lanes in his crib, maybe even a few dolphins to class up the joint. Just one problem, unlike that birthday hooker, you can't just put it anywhere. K-Mart even grew up inside the loop and knew better. Shoulda known you can't throw a dart on a map and just expect to have a ballin' club. This thing could come complete with a maid that wakes you up every morning with bacon and a handjob and I'm still not going to Dalworthington Gardens for even a night. He got greedy, felt like he needed a few more fireplaces and toilets. It was more about him than it was about the team. Cannot play with 'em. Cannot win with 'em. Cannot coach with 'em. Can't do it. I want winners. I want people that wanna win.

Looks Like Johnny Football May Have Picked Just the Right Time to Break Up with the Girlfriend

What's better than winning college football's most prestigious trophy and nailing that smokepiece? Try winning college football's most prestigious trophy and nailing numerous smokepieces. From the looks of her Twitter feed, which over the weekend had removed all photos of the Heisman winner and is instead featuring post-breakup Hallmark quotes, it doesn't look good for the First Couple of Aggieland. I just hope she doesn't think it was because of her wiping the floor with him at bowling. She should know the routine though. Every Heisman winner's allowed to upgrade girlfriends. It's on the trophy. Who'd you think that bronzed bro was giving the stiff arm to, a tackler? Please. That's why they couldn't give it to Klein. You can't go and get married beforehand like some chump. Only problem, Johnny, is that you better play this pretty carefully, cause when the NFL doesn't want you and all of the sudden you're Eric Crouch with a bigger nose and more troubling acne, that well of hot trim dries up faster than your coordinator skipping town. That's when you wind up desperate, drunk, and shirtless in a small town jail again, or Ryan Leaf.

UPDATE (1/16/13): Even though it doesn't really look like her, I guess true love may have prevailed, at least at a Clippers game.

WWCD Must Have Been Ineligible, Big Tex Tops Dallas' 2012 Google Search List

So Frontburner provided something moderately useful today and gave us a taste of what Dallasites are secretly Googling when no one's looking. Apparently they didn't want to embarrass themselves by including competing blogs. I get it. Keep swingin, D Magazine, eventually you'll be up here with the big swingin' D's like me. So...

1. Big Tex
2. Dallas Cowboys
3. Dallas Craigslist
4. Texas Rangers
5. Black Friday
6. Presidential Polls
7. Southern Methodist University
8. Dallas Mavericks
9. Studio Movie Grill
10. North Texas Tollway Authority

Besides leaving out such WWCD expose gems as pill-popping moms or bloody tampon attacks, there's unquestionably a few here that stink to high heavens. Look, D Mag, we all know your game. "Best Doctors," "Best Lawyers," "Best Tits," there's not a single list you churn out without a little quid quo pro. Not that there's anything wrong with shady deals, but let's at least call a spade a spade. You and I both can't prove that this heart doc is better than that one, and you sure as hell can't sit here and tell me that SMU and the Studio Movie Grill are in the top 10 most searched list. We all know it's tough times when you're featuring 6-6 football teams and over-priced popcorn, not to mention trying to push print magazines. Why not team up and talk about how popular you all are, right? I for one would just appreciate a little journalistic integrity for once. You can't just smugly sit there and tell me with a straight face that Rhonda Aikman or flax seed and blue corn tortillas weren't among the most googled in this town.

Looks Like I Need a 14 ft Stocking this Christmas, Santa, Cause I've Gotta Have This Long Driver

ARLINGTON - Michael Furrh is an Arlington golf pro who, according to his Facebook profile, splits his time between working in the pro shop at Rolling Hills Country Club, training caddies at Caddie Club Golf and swinging ridiculously long golf clubs.

Last week was Furrh's first, unofficial shot at the Guinness World Record for longest usable golf club. The mark was set in 2009 by a Dane, Karsten Maas, who drove a ball 134.5 yards using a 13-foot-5-inch club. As you can see in the video posted after the jump, Furrh bests both numbers, using a 14-foot-2.5-inch driver to hit the ball 144 yards down a Rolling Hills Fairway.

First off, yea I know it's been five weeks since WWCD has broken any anticipated groundbreaking news. After the election I had to fire the entire staff, fearing soaring payroll taxes and being forced to pick up their frivolous health insurance. The day I cover those entitled squids' birth control and genital rash creams is the day they pay for my lap dances and obscenely marked-up stoges. Since then I've had to fly solo to pay the bills, clean the bathrooms, and scoop stories until I can get this thing back in the air for good.

At any rate, if we can be honest for a second, I haven't been playing as much golf as one would expect from a mogul. I'm mainly waiting for the Brook Hollow membership to finalize so I can exclusively be around privileged, successful types like myself. Either way, if you can get one, there's no way you keep the 14 ft driver folded up in the bag on the very first hole. Sure it may have some stamina issues finishing at only 150, but when you steal honors and let this big dog eat, you're in your opponents' heads for the round. You know it, they know it, and that dimepiece cart girl knows it. Just no way you can act like a real man prancing up to the tee with your pussy 4 ft Taylor Made in that situation. She knows huge driver means huge cock every time, and probably even appreciates the limited stamina with the threatening size and all.

Frog-Gate 2012: Looks Like It's Pretty Tough to Pick a Side in TCU's SGA President Impeachment Proceedings Game

FORT WORTH - After two weeks of questions about the decision to spend $50,000 on the SuperFrog statue, Student Body President Brent Folan is facing impeachment.
The motion to formally begin impeachment proceedings was made at the end of Tuesday evening’s SGA meeting by former SGA Representative Jordan Mazurek.
“I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve done in office,” said Brent Folan to student representatives and about 60 students who crowded into the meeting.
Folan, responding to criticism for a lack of transparency on funding the $50,000 bronze SuperFrog statue on the first floor of the Brown-Lupton University Union, said: “I’m very proud of all the accomplishments we’ve had as a Cabinet.”

Seeing the new bronzed and bug-eyed addition to TCU's Student Center certainly doesn't help ease the fresh wounds of brutal Big 12 losses, but I mean, this bro's just trying to get through the year safe and sound with a nice resume builder, right? Maybe leave behind a little legacy gift for the kids? Well, maybe these bloated pork projects can fly in Washington, but one enviro-Nazi, union-marching, activist will see that they don't work on University Drive in Fort Worth, either.



President Folan, hoping his political career hasn't peaked

Last week, the SGA House of Representatives passed a bill requiring all non-budgeted student government spending above $15,000 to be passed by a majority of the House. Since then, there has been student criticism about the statue’s funding process, its $50,000 price tag and circulating rumors about a possible impeachment of Folan.
Mazurek, whose seat on Intercom was eliminated by Folan earlier this semester, created an event on Facebook urging students to attend Tuesday’s meeting.
"I created a petition on Facebook that invited [students] to come to SGA and reminded
them that SGA is an open forum for them to come and take part in,” he said at the meeting.
  

Mazurek - disgruntled activist at work

What's that? Oh, well then... could it perhaps be that someone isn't taking too kindly to Folan giving this vindictive hippie the heave-ho just months earlier? Well Mazurek, I see your move, and I raise you two Dolans. Two you ask?

(TCU360.com) Chief of Staff Evan Folan, younger brother of Brent, said his computer, containing the minutes from April’s meeting, crashed over the summer. SGA confirmed there are no records of the vote.
Evan Folan said he was not "allowed" to answer questions regarding the missing records, per Cabinet's collective decision not to speak to the media.

Well played, Folans. Well played indeed. The old hard drive crash excuse. It's impenetrable. Nevermind the classic, old school nepotism. We can only pray that some homely freshmen saved her own precious, scribbled copy of the meeting minutes, and this story really goes national. Until then, hopefully this isn't weighing too heavily on the hearts and minds of Gary Patterson's bunch as they enter a brutal November stretch.

Pill-Popping DFW Moms Finally Learning What it Takes to Be a Winner

“I am a supermom, that is all there is to it. I am on my game for my kids”

That sound your hear is my interns replacing the old "Blog Like a Champion Today" sign above the door to WWCD headquarters with "I'm a super-blogger, that's all there is to it. I'm on my game for my readers." Just like my boy Lance and me, Heather Moore finally figured out what it takes get to the top. Whether it's seven tour titles, 2 blog Pulitzers, or the illusive Mom-of-the-Year, sometimes the increasing blood pressure, lack of sleep, and trembling extremities are minor collateral damages on the path to greatness. You bet your ass it was tough for Mr. LiveStrong to climb up the Pyrenees while fighting cancer and skepticism, or for yours truly to pound out hilarious blog posts in the face of crippling writer's block and cock-starved groupies. Welcome to the club, Heather. The Winners' Club.

"You're Through, Soup Nazi!" - Seinfeld Soups Coming to a Tom Thumb Near You

 

 

The SoupMan, made famous by the "No soup for you!" line on Seinfeld, is now being delivered fresh from Al Yeganeh's soup kitchen near Hell's Kitchen in New York City to local Tom Thumb grocery stores. OK, maybe that's not the exact logistics, but it's close. After years of work, they've boxed it up and are shipping it out.
The Original SoupMan comes in four varieties: lobster bisque, chicken noodle, lentil and tomato bisque, with a suggested retail value of $3.79 and $3.99 for a 17.3-ounce carton. Much better then the 10 bucks in Hell's Kitchen.
Check their slightly fussy website for exact locations.
- taken from the Observer

Well, better late than never I suppose. While the lobster bisque certainly appeared to be the classic, I don't know what respectable soup-maker doesn't push the Jambalaya. For the better part of a decade the whole reason I ordered Jambalaya, or anything remotely Jambalaya-based, was solely to sneak in "Jambalaya!" like a giddy, portly, soup-starved mail carrier. Marketing 101, really.

"Relaxing with Cubes" Is Definitely the Hottest Thing on the Internet Right Now

Makin' chicks wet, without breakin' a sweat. Is there anything this guy can't do?