The Five Hottest Victoria's Secret Models from Tuesday's Fashion SmokeShow

So every single living, breathing human, other than degenerate gamblers who liked Ohio St at home last laying a justified seven to Duke, was watching the VS Angels tearing up both the runway and fat chicks' self-esteem. What other reason could there be to watch CBS if it's not football? It's a win-win for the married male who can kick back and stare at bouncing tits with wife in the room, as since it's on network TV and it's all artistic and shit, it's all of the sudden wholesome family viewing and nothing like hunkering over multi-racial porn alone in the back room. So without further ado....

1. Adriana Lima

Hands down, the best of the best for eleven years running. Lima would straight up wreck your dick Brazilian-style and leave you begging for more. The top-paid VS model who, if you believe her story, lost her V-card to NBA spare and current husband Marco Juric, which gives me more reason to distrust Serbians. Had me at last year's show holding that look that would turn Perez Hilton straight...

(fast-forward to 3:25 mark)

2. Erin Heatherton 

Very controversial pick, but this young 22-year-old won me over last night. She's one of the few who is actually from the US, and her freckles were close to changing the way the game is played. Not going to cause the devastation Lima would, but doesn't need to. Uses that youth and innocence to make the veterans keep an eye on her at every turn.

3. Doutzen Koers

The 26-year-old power hitter has been in the game long enough to be both feared and respected. Classic blonde from the Netherlands whose fierce eyes could back down the fiercest challenger and make the rookie Angels know just who rules the roost. No doubt she could grace every VS billboard from now until eternity and no one would complain.

4) Miranda Kerr 

Classic VS Angel over the years who has never really moved my meter until last night. Face was really killing it, but it was probably the tits, or the $2.5 million diamond-encrusted bra covering them up. Personally I would have paid to see her take it off and leave it on the runway. Either way, not bad for a chick who popped out a kid a year ago. At least we know she likes to get down and dirty though.

5. Candice Swanepoel 

Another very controversial pick, because it's tough to leave some of these out. Obviously keeping off perennial contender and 2nd highest paid Angel Alessandra Ambrosio will make the comment section a little nasty, but she's as old as I am, and gun to my head, I'm a blonde guy. With that said, I'm going with the 23 year-old South African and one of the hotter VS girls going lately. The more I watch her the more I think only two sounds come out when she closes the door, purging and rhythmic slapping. Just feel like she knows what she needs to do to stay in the game.

UNT Students Protesting the Right to Make Everyone's Clothes Smell Like an 18th Century Coal Mine and Our Lungs Look Like One

DENTON - The Young Americans for Liberty organization passed out free cigarettes Monday and asked students to sign its petition in protest of UNT’s proposed smoking ban. As of 1:15 p.m. Monday, the group had collected almost 200 signatures.
Economics senior Clint Townsend headed the protesters. “I believe in individual liberty and personal responsibility,” Townsend said. “I think that the right to smoke is a fundamental right and it should be respected. It’s a very pertinent issue.” The current policy for smoking on campus prohibits smoking in campus vehicles, inside buildings or within 25 feet of a building. Though he does not smoke, Townsend said the university should not force its will on others, adding that he feels the current policy is sufficient.

What is it with UNT students shoving themselves in the news every week? If they aren't printing fake $20's or making sex tapes, they're shoving cigs in clean, innocent faces across campus because some 60's stoner sociology professor got on an ideological soapbox and brainwashed a few friendless debate club dorks. Nevermind the fact that I never remember reading about any right to smoke in any government class I was in, whatever happened to just pounding some Natty Lights and creeping on that hot from your study group or pissing in the school fountain like normal college kids? No way this Clint Townsend joker went through four years of college and still cares about freshmen level stuff like this if he had been out stuffing Chi O's and waking up in a mixture of vomit and shame like a real student.

By the Way - It should be noted that the bitch and the other idiots pictured are actually from some mindless Berkley protest. Go figure. Denton doesn't appear far behind anymore though.

Ghostbar Founder Now Pounding Red Bull Vodka's with Jesus, Heath Ledger, and Amy Winehouse

(*he's the one who doesn't play for the Mavs)

ASPEN, CO - Scott DeGraff, the man who launched the N9NE Group, died on Thanksgiving Day. DeGraff’s body was found in the garage of a home in east Aspen. An autopsy will be performed today to determine the official cause of death which police are calling an apparent suicide. DeGraff was 47.

DeGraff ran restaurants and nightclubs in Chicago, Las Vegas, and Dallas. [He and business partner Michael Morton] opened N9NE Steakhouse and Nove in Victory Park and Ghostbar in the W Hotel Dallas. DeGraff moved to Aspen in late 2008 and hit financial problems.

This is what happens when kicking ass goes wrong. So he had a few swings and misses with some other Victory Park failures and then found himself alone on a holiday in a cold, empty house with nothing but a bottle of cheap scotch, trembling hands, growing debt and a dwindling will to live. Who hasn't? Bottom line is that if you're a pseudo-celeb who can get a trendy new vodka to sponsor your birthday binge in this town, there's no question you crush it at Ghostbar like the supermarket checkout-line moms read about. Where else is it practically encouraged to pound Cristal, do a line off the balcony rail, feel up a Mavs dancer, and maniacally tease death by hanging over 33 stories just to get a thrill? This isn't your suburban Chili's here, people. I think we owe it to a true Dallas pioneer to hit up that bottle service and shoot up a speedball with an over-priced escort in an unlocked, DNA-stained bathroom stall. It's how he would have wanted it.

UNT Freshmen Busted for Making Counterfeit Cash, Being Freshmen

DENTON - Two UNT students arrested earlier this month face state and possible federal charges of cash forgery, a third-degree felony, after trying to use counterfeit bills they made in their dorm room, police said. Brent Bakewell, a business freshman, and Keeley Dunnam, a dance freshman, were arrested outside of Maple Hall sometime after midnight Nov. 7, when a police search of Bakewell’s dorm room uncovered a number of fake $20 bills. Officers originally received a tip about the forgery from an employee at a local convenience store, who refused service to Bakewell, a “regular” at the store, when he attempted to buy a pack of cigarettes with a counterfeit bill on Nov. 6. Officers obtained permission to search, and Grelle said it appeared the counterfeit money had been made in the dorm room, although it is unclear how.
Dan Rowe, a delivery driver with Jimmy John’s, said the shop received a call from Denton police the evening of Nov. 6 that asked employees to check all the $20 bills they had received that day. “I take more than 30 orders a night; I don’t always pay attention,” Rowe said, adding that he didn’t recognize the fake money when it was used to pay for a sandwich. “But when I took it out of my wallet, it was obvious it was an amateur thing,” he said.

Well, when a sandwich delivery driver refers to your operation as amateur, it could only be some sloppy, unprofessional freshmen pulling the strings, just getting a little too aggressive when the heat is on. At least we know why Ross Evans was in Denton though, right? Greed will take down even the greatest criminals eventually. I mean, who really believes that a UNT freshman is whipping out $20's to pay for a delivered sandwich like he's some SMU fraternity president? When you're expecting a chump kid to try and pay with nickles, leftover Ramen, string, and unwarranted, hyper-ideological political diatribes every other time, flashing $20's in Maple Hall sends red flags every time.

Ross Evans Finally Nails a Kick in the Clutch

DENTON - TCU kicker Ross Evans faces a misdemeanor charge of criminal trespassing after he kicked in an apartment door while trying to retrieve a cellphone for a friend of a friend, Denton police said Monday. On Monday, he turned himself into police and was released from jail about 3 p.m. on $2,500 bond, said a Denton police spokesman. A warrant was issued for Evans' arrest after a Nov. 8 incident in Denton. When no one answered the apartment door, he kicked it in. A police report was filed.

Only took three years since 2008 and that disastrous Thursday night at Utah, but Evans finally nailed a winner, huh? Sure it's not one of two 4th quarter missed chip shots to deliver a Conference Title to the Frogs, but at least some dude he barely knows got his cell phone back, right? His only crime should be wasting this time in Denton when there is more than enough blonde heat on that TCU campus to keep even a kicker busy.

Why the Hell Wouldn't Cubes Host Entertainment Tonight?

What else is a true champ supposed to do during a lockout but dominate the shit outta that ET set like it's Game 6 in Miami? Straight goin' to work between commercial breaks on Nancy O'Dell's front business like she's a gyrating flygirl on a classic Mark Cuban Show too. Only thing he's missing is the classic Cubes bangs, but ditching the Mavs sweater for the open-top button-up was the real money play. Your move, Players' Union.

How Much Would Miller Light Have to Pay You to Have Emmitt Smith and Some PR Stiffs Crash Your Cowboys Watch Party?

DALLAS - “How much money would it take to get the best running back of all time to watch a football game with me?” Now we have an answer: $22,000. It’s part of the “Miller Lite Homegating Experience,” and they say 100 percent of the final sale price goes toward the Gridiron Greats Assistance Fund. And what do you get for your 22 large? Apparently you can have a “reasonable” number of people over to meet the player (they define reasonable as 15-30) and he’ll sign autographs “within reason.” You have to provide the TV, and you’ll have to make room for 2 or 3 representatives from Miller.

Since I'm too lazy to read the articles I post about, I will assume that Miller Light paid this chump a mere $22k to fight through botched cliches and untimely salsa dancing while your team is trying to make a playoff push. Personally, I wouldn't talk if it's under $40k. He probably wouldn't look up from his cue cards about great taste and less filling to answer how many white chicks he stuffed during the Super Bowl run or the last time he and Irvin did a line off of a stripper's tits. Worst part is that you've gotta deal with the Miller marketing tools eating all of your queso, shitting in your bathroom, and creeping on the chicks. Yea, they might need to pay me $50k minimum.

Brooklyn Decker Forcing America to Care About the SI Swimsuit Calendar Whether We Want To or Not

Because of the internet I know we're all supposed to be sexually-immune to stacked smokehouses in swimsuits like it's your Aunt Doris sunbathing at the community pool and rec center for the family summer reunion BBQ. With one click of a button you can watch a masked midget whip a masturbating tranny to the tune of Yankee Doodle and still remain jaded. I get it. There's just something special though about the sweet innocence of a chick wearing just enough to keep me up at night scheming how to burn Andy Roddick in a South Texas egg farm fire, throw on some Lacoste tennis gear, and motorboat those mountains until I get stuck in there.

You Don't Showboat in Drew Henson's Highland Park Yard, Tease His Dogs, and Walk Away Free and Easy

HIGHLAND PARK, TX - Highland Park Animal Control has quarantined a dog owned by former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Drew Henson after it allegedly bit a 7-year-old boy last week. The incident occurred on the night of Nov. 7 when a father and son were walking their dog along the 4600 block of Lorraine Ave near the Dallas North Tollway. As the boy and father walked in front of Henson's house, three unleashed dogs in his front yard chased after the boy, according to a Highland Park police report released this week. The boy tried to escape but one dog bit him above one of his hips and caused the wound to swell, police said. When the father, Randall Descenes, confronted Henson about his dogs, Henson said "he did not need to have his dog on a leash since they were in his front yard," the report states.

Can you believe the audacity of these people? This isn't the Mid-Cities. Obviously new to the area, cause if you're livin' in HP next to Dallas' great luminaries, you've gotta know when to have a little respect. You can't just go high-steppin' in the lawn of a former Cowboys great with raw meat in your pocket right in the face of some innocent puppies. You do understand he led America's Team to a first half tie against the Bears on Thanksgiving in '04, right? Have you started for the Cowboys? Didn't think so. Punk kid probably wasn't even born yet. Either way put a band-aid on it and walk it off. You sure as hell aren't playing for the Scots with that weak game.

Where We Finally Settle the Eternal Debate Over Whether or Not a Transgended Widow Is Entitled to Death Benefits

WHARTON, Texas – The transgender widow of a Wharton County firefighter appeared in court on Monday to appeal a judge’s ruling that her marriage was invalid. A judge recently ruled Nikki Araguz’s marriage to Captain Thomas Araguz was not valid because she was born a man, making her ineligible to receive $600,000 in her husband’s death benefits. Araguz has been fighting with the firefighter’s family over the benefits ever since his death in a blaze at a local egg farm last year. Thomas Araguz’s family argued that the money should go to the two children he had with his ex-wife.

From a year earlier...
Born Justin Graham Purdue, Nikki married Thomas in August 2008, but in April of [2010], their attorney informed Thomas of his wife's previous identity and they separated. Thomas Araguz died later on July 4 battling a massive fire. Lawyers cite that the couple's marriage could not be considered legal because in the state of Texas, in which Thomas and Nikki were Wharton residents, two men cannot be married. The lawsuit claims that under Texas law, a person that undergoes a sex change is still considered the same sex that their birth certificate shows.

I'll tell you one thing, you shouldn't have to move to some armpit in South Texas and still have to preside over a shit-storm like this. This poor judge probably thought he was still in Austin. At any rate, it seems like a pretty open and shut case on the surface, just telling this greedy freakshow to shove it, that his family and previous kids deserve the money, transgendered people aren't real people anyway... blah, blah, blah. Well I'm sorry, but I'm not buying it for a second. Unless this firefighter was legally retarded, he got punked fair and square. Rule number one before any marriage: you've gotta look under the hood before signing the papers. You're telling me this joker never even knew his wife had a dick? No clue? Wake up, brah. Just because God doesn't love transgenders doesn't mean they can't swindle a cool $600k from your kids and their real mom like your read about. Think the guys at the firehouse gave him a little grief over that one? Ol' Captain Thomas was just sittin' back and enjoying those mean BJ's from some dude named Justin, a little too fat and happy to find out the inconvenient truth, and now his reputation and his kids have to pay. Hell, I woulda skipped town and started a vicious egg farm fire death rumor too... shit's humiliating. I probably would have at least said it was a gasoline farm though, makes the accidental death a little more conceivable.

Cowboys Gettin Played in Their Own Backyard

Very misleading score above. Boys are definitely losing where it counts. You can't just let some spare opponent waltz into your house and steal your best talent with the entire world watching. Only thing worse would have been if he pulled the ol' double palm-to-ass cheek reach-around right in the field-level suite holders grill. If he scores again I wouldn't be shocked he motorboats those beauties while on the jumbo-tron. Total power move that would definitely put the game away. Cowboys could get back in the game by showing the tape of how how Romo's kid was made on the big screen though. Don't think Witten wasn't in the corner filming and high-fiving the whole thing.

Enough of This Depressing Shit, Let's Celebrate Some Hippies Getting Pounded

Tired of Paterno and pedophile talk? Already sick of campaigns and debates with a year left before elections? That Rangers hangover still lingering? Occupy protesters leaving you questioning humanity? Well, we can certainly all celebrate cops ramming entitled, idealistic Berkeley punks without any meddling, over-rated provaction to take you into the weekend. [Clicks play on video, cranks up Avicii's Levels at the 1:07 mark, pounds a Red Bull Vodka, drops some X, ready to dominate the weekend.]

How to Go Straight to Hell from South Dallas

OAK CLIFF - [This] was taken by surveillance cameras at St. Cecilia Catholic School on Mary Cliff, just off Davis and Hampton in Oak Cliff. According to the police report, the three boys got away with quite the haul, including three Dell laptops, five flat-screen monitors and a few thou in other electronics.

That's some big balls on some little kids, huh? I mean, as Occupy Dallas knows, it's one thing to go south of the Trinity and pick on the greedy fat-cats at Wal-Mart, but when you break into a poor, Catholic elemantary school run by an even poorer church in your own neighborhood and swipe some donated swag from the few people who actually still care about your failed, handout-seeking community, that takes a special kind of horrible soul. The worst crime may be that they are too young to appreciate the depressing irony. Just imagine, every time you pay more in taxes, you're really just handing over your paycheck to families who churn out kids like these. Go America! Happy Friday!

Wash Turns into Richard Pryor Before World Series Game Sevens

Ron Washington's Game 7 Clubhouse Speech from JoeSportsFan.com on Vimeo.

Old school brother droppin F-bombs like they're goin out of style.

Occupy Dallas Just Protestin' for a Living Wage and Plowin' the Underage Like It's a Job

Let's not forget that these are the same clowns who should already be a laughing stock by the pro's up at Occupy Wall Street cause they hit up a South Dallas Wal-Mart and acted like they snuck into Bank of America's evil lair and discovered a bunch of suits burning kittens and minorities' dreams while laughing and smoking fine cigars. But now they've gotta creep on some homely, pre-pubescent runaway? Probably not the most effective way to get your point across. Just lacks any professionalism, really. Like, there's a reason you're the whatever % who can't get a job and sucks at life. While it starts with the fact that your trying to get your swag on in a chilly, diseased downtown tent, occupying yourself in some underage pants while in a city that surrounds you with hot, legal ass is really what separates you from life's winners you protest against. Guess Richard didn't know that our downtown means only beating traffic tickets by day and crushing Mantus by night. Amatuers probably can't even get bottle service in that VIP tent. Act like a professional, Dick.