Jerry Kicking Ass and Taking Names in the Alamo City

Top three buttons undone? Check. Skinny jeans? Check. Fresh face-lift? Check. Making Hanson look like a chump? Check. About to drag some star-struck San Antonio tail as young as his grandkids into that Cowboys bus? Check.

Looks like football season's back.

Pussy Marketing Database Company Shafting Dallas Like NBA Finals '06 Refs

HUFFINTON POST - NetProspex, a sales and marketing database company, has released its annual "Social Business Report," which analyzes the social media activity and connectedness of cities, industries, and businesses.  Among other findings, NetProspex ranks the top 50 "most social cities" in the United States--the cities with the "most social businesspeople"--based on a metric system called "NetProspex Social Index (NPSI)", which measures activity across nine major social networks, including Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn.

Who the hell does this NetProspex think they are sticking D/FW in the 8 hole like we're Chris Davis or something? Dallas should pretty much be top five on any list, but 8th? Gimme a break. I could play the racial card and say that those immigrants from down South are screwing up our %'s again, just like on those damn school test scores, but that would be the lazy blogger's way out. NetProspex coulda fooled me, cause everytime I go out, every idiot I see is head-down on a smartphone and can't seem to talk about anything but whatever they are doing on it, so they must be doing something "social" and "connected" on the damn thing. Just can't win'em all I guess, Dallas.

Swingers Club Tried To Pass Itself Off As a Church, City Frowned

DALLAS -The City Attorney's Office filed yet another lawsuit against Glenn Hudson, the same guy the city's going after for operating that underage-sex-illegal-drugs-and-late-night-danceteria on Northwest Highway and Webb Chapel that Hudson and his acolytes keep insisting is a church when it's clearly anything but.

This time, the city's going after Hudson's Harry Hines joint known as the Playground, which is filled, says one of its websites, with "Over 16,000 Sq Ft of Grown Folks Party Space!" Turns out every Friday night's an Erotic Friday Night, and, promises another Internet invite, "ROBES AND TOWELS ALLOWED ONLY IN VIP AFTER 2AM!" Costs $10 to get in after 11 p.m. if you're a single lady (it's free before then); $50 if you're a dude who's single looking to mingle. And: You need the password to get in. (Swordfish!) That, right there, that sounds like a party. Unless you're the City Attorney's Office, which alleges in its complaint that it's really an "unlicensed sexually oriented business operating under a Certificate of Occupancy for a church, mosque or synagogue," just like DarkSide.

But the ordained-over-the-Internet Hudson is insisting the city has violated his First Amendment rights and that he's done nothing wrong. As he told WFAA after Judge Ken Molberg temporarily closed the Playground yesterday pending an August 3 hearing, "We have outreach programs that are catering to the youth and disadvantaged people in the communities trying to provide an alternative to what currently exists, which are drug-infested."

Can you believe the balls on this Glenn Hudson? I mean look, you want to run a club with skanks like the ones above you have on your website? Fine, as long as I'm a disease-free 1000 yards away, you can over-charge dudes and fat chicks and make up some secret password every weekend and you won't hear from me alerting the ACLU. Just look here Hudson, you sure as hell can't just go around town telling people you are a house of worship just cause you think those fat hams behind those mini-skirts are the path to salvation. If that was the case, the Benefactor wouldn't try to get out of getting dressed up for 100 degree weather and another sleeper of a sermon every Sunday. You got greedy, then you went and tried to play the just-trying-to-cater-to-the-youth-and-disadvantaged card. Just couldn't keep your hand outta the cookie jar, could you, Hudson? Now where is everyone supposed to go for Pussy-Whipped Fridays?

Pour a 40 Out For the Quick

Rumor is that the Quick may have printed their last week of drink specials and concert lists. If we may get one more on 8/4, but after that, I guess you're on your own if you want to know what DJ is playing at Plush or which evening the Nodding Donkey has $1 off drafts. It's been a great eight year run, and even when they went weekly, it was still a must read as the weekend approached, even if you didn't really learn anything. Only real question is if and where Gordo columns will be published. See you at the Crossroads...

Hey Slut, Way To Keep Your Eyes On the Game

Blondie can't even look ahead during two-strike pitches in a one-run game over here. While this was captured over just one inning Tuesday, it pretty much sums up her interest for the whole nine-inning roller coaster. Feliz may have blown it like a chump, but this one rests on your bony shoulders, bitch.

Uhh... Rhodes, a Baseball Shouldn't Be Hit This Far

Letting Kubel dump one in the porch above your bullpen is better than blowing an 18 run lead, but at least you can say you tried.

Real Solid Arms, Minnesota

I know someone else who knows good things come in 3's. Gotta respect the Rangers just trying to get some of that Mavs Moneyball magic.

By the Way - I know the runs and hits kept coming on strong, and that's probably the real lead story here, but I already had a post, damnit.

New Show About Kicking Ass in Dallas Inevitably To Fall Flat on Ass

 

They’re young, they’re hot, they’re single - they’re Dallas’ Most Eligible. From beauty queens to pro-football players, this group of Texas socialites proves that everything’s bigger in Texas - including the drama. Some are looking for true love while others have perfected the art of the one-night stand, and somehow their love lives have all crossed paths at one time or another. Dallas serves as the sexy backdrop for this jaw-dropping series that follows a group of successful friends living it up in the lone star state. 

Yep, that's the actual show preview. Only space limitations appear to have prevented any more tired cliches.

Look, if there's two things the Benefactor does, it's knowing Dallas and kicking ass within it. There are a few red flags that separate the natives from the transplant wanna-be's, and constantly using the term "Big D" is the one of the biggest every time. That's where Bravo's new, painful "reality show" Most Eligible Dallas lets viewers know, right off the bat, that reality may be about as truthful as Jerry Jones' face.

It would be easy enough to just watch the show's trailer, which is exactly like the trailer of every other semi-scripted show about young people living and going out together in a big city, except with these interchangeable names and characters. Not every show is on the gayest channel on television though. These nausea-inducing, flamefest classics also call Bravo home - Flipping Out, Million Dollar Decorators, Rocco's Dinner Party, Mad Fashion, Tabatha's Salon Takeover, Miami Social, and of course the Real Housewives Series. However, one problem is that the guys on Most Eligible Dallas are as flaming, brain-dead, and as soul-less as the demographic they are trying to cater to.

On that, let's look at the All Star cast of Dallas' movers and shakers. Of the three guys, one is actually gay and from Washington DC, one is an NFL punter from Michigan, and one is a former Longhorn backup QB who is stereotypically involved in the family's energy business, and might just be the gayest of them all. If that doesn't make you want abandon suburban life and put that Uptown one-bedroom efficiency on credit, then how about the girls? One is a 23 year-old mother who came to Dallas after failing in NY and LA, one is a 36 year-old business exec who managed to screw up not one, but four engagements, and one is a Fort Worth girl who just LOVES FASHION and is somehow different from everyone else, all of whom seem to be competing for the affection of the guy who is holding out long enough before coming out of the closet.

Between this instant classic and Texas Women, it looks like the weather isn't the only thing that's gonna be hot this summer! [Note to editor: please submit this last sentence, along with my home-made gay porn, to the Bravo HR department, just to lay some groundwork for when WWCD soon fails.]

Is White Bread Really Raising the Roof? Who the Hell Raises the Roof?

Two incredibly tough losses to the one team you can't do that to. Hell of an effort, CJ.

Do the Rangers Have the Worst Commercials on TV?

Between these weird-looking punks and choosing the least charismatic Rangers on the team to sell seats, there is simply no way I'm convinced that I should drive to the taint of the metroplex and sit in crotch soup. Mitch Moreland already in two ads without CJ or Hambone in one? Nefi and Alexi fishing in Holtz Lake without Wash's lean-to or campfire in sight? Color me unimpressed.

Way to End the Streak, Fat Ass

Yea I know most of the runs were credited to Holland, and deservedly so, but that doesn't mean you have to turn the game into a Bugs Bunny Baseball Conga Line in the f'ing longest and most frustrating 6th inning of the year. Don't you even think about blaming the Benefactor for posting a shit-talking entry in the 5th inning, cause I took that thing down faster than Wash could pull Holland. Even still, way to keep your eye on the ball, Vernon.

Rangers' Management Caves Into Public Pressure, Idiot Fans

ARLINGTON - Over the past 10 days, the Rangers have consulted with a number of industry experts to discuss options concerning the rail heights at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. Even though all current rail heights in Rangers Ballpark in Arlington currently exceed code, the Rangers intend to raise the height of all rails in front of seating areas to the highest standard in the United States at this time.

So let me get this straight. Every rail in the Ballpark currently exceeds code, but now when I sit in the front row I get to stare at a red rail for three hours? As if watching an Authur Rhodes 7th inning isn't bad enough, now parking will be $5 more because for some reason only Ranger fans don't understand that when you lean forward over a waist-high rail, there exists a potential to fall indeed fall over. At some point I think we should start to use the front row of a Rangers game to weed out the weakest of our civilization in order to prevent the movie Idiocracy from becoming true. Make it through a game without inexplicably flipping over a wall? Congrats, you deserve to reproduce in our complex society. Think a $5 ball and a hot slab of concrete deserve to be the last thing you see on this Earth? Hey, dinosaurs made a good run too.

Dallas Police Miss the Memo About How to Treat Athletes

DALLAS - A former Dallas Cowboys player, a current Indianapolis Colts player and a TCU player were arrested early Sunday morning at a downtown Dallas club. They have been identified as former Cowboys linebacker Stephen Hodge, Colts defensive end Jerry Hughes and TCU defensive tackle Cory Grant. The three athletes were taken into custody at The Bank nightclub, 1313 Main Street, for public intoxication at around 2:30 a.m.

Police say officers working nearby noticed a disturbance in the nearby nightclub and saw it continue outside on the sidewalk.  The men were taken to the City Detention Center.

All three players attended Texas Christian University. Sunday [was] Hodge's 24th birthday. Hughes was drafted by the Colts in the first round of the NFL draft in 2010. Hodge was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in 2009 but was injured his first two seasons and released by the team last November. He never appeared in a game. Grant is a senior at TCU who started all 13 games for the Horned Frogs last season and was named Second-team All-Mountain West Conference for the second year.

Can you believe these knuckleheads over at the Dallas Police Department? I mean, is this the type of amateurism we can expect in a post-Kunkle regime? This great city used to treat it's stars like stars, with the respect, dignity, and public intoxication dismissals one would expect. If you're a pro athlete / local college star and you can't get pounded and create a little disturbance at a Dallas ultra-lounge, what the hell is the point of putting in all those long hours in the weight room, listening to Patterson's bitching, and slaying TCU blondes?

Romo Already in Mid-Season Form, Blows Tahoe Open in the Clutch

Hit it in the water on 18 and get beat by a soap opera douscher, huh? No doubt Candice is already starting to regret saying those "I do's." Any question he's tanking it the bedroom too? I mean this guy closes out the deal like American golfers and women's national soccer teams. Call me, Candice, I like football and golf too, and I'm a great listener if you just wanna talk about your day, or tell me how much better I am in the sack than Tony.

Miguel Angel Jimenez Showing Those Brits How It's Done

This sultry Spaniard can join my foursome anyday, but if he doesn't lead the group's pre-game routine, I'm leaving the cart on the first tee box, taking my clubs, and going home. You wanna be on that leaderboard in the British Open? You better be ready to split those pants before you even tee off, not to mention circle those legs like you want a $20 bill slipped under you belt. I'll even bring the stoges. You gotta practice like you play, kids.

Hey McLemore, Pick a Team, Asshole

You want a plush gig with the Rangers postgame show? More power to you, but you can't just waltz into Seattle, throw out the first pitch to a standing O and get the ol' Tacoma Tug Job, then come back, sit next to Dana Larson, and tell her nothing happened. That shit doesn't fly around here.

This Is How You Roll In and Own the ESPY'S

And here everyone thought Serena playing Peekaboo with those smuggled chocolate balloons would be the lead story, but you just can't keep everybody's favorite villain-killers down. Granted it was a pretty weak field, I mean, Lady Aggie basketball? Nice try ESPN, we know that's the only way you can get Aggies to watch sports when A&M isn't involved somehow. But seriously, should the Best Team banner just replace the NBA Finals banner in the AAC? How do we sort this out?

CJ Throwing Tasty Meatballs to NL All-Stars

Relax Nancy, it's a baseball deflecting off the top of the wall, not a big scary monster who's coming to tickle you.

Hey Ballpark in Arlington: This Might Be How You Can Get Fans In the Seats on a 100+ Degree Day Against Baltimore

That sneaky Chase Field can play that Phoenix crowd like a pro, huh? They kinda seem like the Dallas of the Desert, so more power to 'em. No question that if Big D had that dream of a downtown park we would cram in the biggest huttub you can fit in right-center field and stuff it with the kind of Texas talent like you hear about. Instead, leave it to the mid-cities and Family-Friendly Ballpark to make going to a Rangers game like a six-year-old's birthday, minus the bounce house. Is it too much to ask to rip up Green's Hill and it's endless supply of drunks in cutoff T's and jorts swatting away little kids for a $5 ball for a 30'x20' petri dish of STD's, silicone, cocaine and Red Bull? My inevitable bleacher-seat season ticket doesn't think so.

Singing, Dancing Retard Turns the AAC Into a Pile of Smoke and Ashes

DALLAS - A light truss above the stage caught fire near the end of [Saturday's] Rihanna concert at the American Airlines Center in Dallas. The small fire was extinguished after a few minutes, but the building was evacuated as the air filled with smoke. There were no injuries, according to media reports. The fire began more than an hour into the show right after Rihanna sang “California King Bed,” during which sparks shot down from above the stage. The remainder of the concert was canceled.

It's not the job of WWCD to fact check, or even read the article linked and referenced above, so we will assume that the American Airlines Center, with all of it's patrons and possessions, perished over the weekend in a horrific, fiery explosion during a Rihanna "concert," the likes of which the building hasn't seen since the '06 NBA Finals. While it's certainly sad to have lost the Championship banner before that new banner smell even wore off, it doesn't look like we will miss anything else, if the average fan who follows Rihanna's Twitter page represented the bulk of the crowd.

From her Twitter feed Saturday night...
“DALLAS!!! We set the stage on FYAH tonight!!! LITERALLY!!! I’m so pissed, I was havin so much fun wit yall too!!! I gotta come back man!!”

Damnit. Just God Damnit. Anyone who feels the need to trick up "fire" with "fyah" should be suspended from Twitter for one month. And thanks for the "literally." I didn't get the metaphor myself, and it's MUCH funnier if you have to lead me to your "punchline" like an ex-boyfriend's punches to your face.

By the Way - I know the story link is to Dallas' Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Newspaper. Who the hell else would cover this??

Is It Just Me or Is the Southwest Kia Girl Sneaky Hot?

If you can get past their clumsy on-screen presence and Dickinson's awkward facial cues, I think the Kia girl is doin' it for me. Maybe it's just that the bar is so low during Ranger games after seeing all those Burleson hogs sweating through their outdated Teixeira jersey T's. Either way, I'll take a drive down to Southwest Kia, kick Billy D in the teeth, and take her on a test drive any day of the week. Maybe even pick up a nifty, new Sportage, straight cash, for Mrs. Benefactor, just to get her off my back while me and Kia girl are workin' on a back room special... just crush those Hot Summer Savings like she is on that naughty skirt/boot combo.

Was There Ever Any Doubt Cubes Wasn't Kicking Ass in the 70's Too?

Deadspin got ahold of some great pics, along with commentary, from the man himself in his young, glorious prime.  They are exactly as you would expect. No doubt most of these scenes were recently re-enacted with Larry O'Brien Trophy in hand.

San Antonio Finally Back in the Winners' Circle

The Atlantic - The list below, drawn from Gates' analysis of data from the American Community Survey, shows the 15 metros that have the largest percentage of same-sex couples raising children under 18 years of age. The densest concentrations of such families are not necessarily in the places where you'd expect to find them. Especially surprising are the metros that don't make the cut -- like San Francisco and New York.


You can't win them all I guess, Dallas. Those gutsy San Antonians are all about hustle this offseason after getting bounced in the first round as a top seed. Can't stop Z-Bo and the Grizz? Hate watching your hated rival and superior fellow Texas city party with the trophy? Just find some gays and snatch up those dumpster babies like it's your contract year. I'm sure there's a "One Shining Moment" montage being prepared somewhere. Hats off to you, SA. Sometimes you just gotta admit defeat, shake the winner's hand, and move on. It's unacceptable to lose to Houston though. Just can't happen. At least we've still got the Silver Boot. I'm pretty sure our gays are way more flaming though, so we've got that going for us.

Dallas Morning News Predicts Romo's Career Over, Ignores Epic Celebrity Injustice

WATERCOLOR, FL - Despite a league lockout, Cowboys Tony Romo and Jason Witten have returned to playing football. The two recently joined former Cowboys Troy Aikman and Bobby Carpenter and New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton for a beach football game in Florida.

“It got so competitive to where the whole beach was watching,” said Payton. “A highlight for me was my son Connor caught a touchdown pass from Romo. I played a little safety, a little wide receiver and Romo was struggling at quarterback so I went in and threw him a touchdown pass."

If that didn't look too bad, it's because it wasn't. One may be surprised to know that the headline was, "Tony Romo struggles at QB in Sean Payton's beach football game." Some might call this shoddy and immature journalism, unnecessarily taking pot shots at an innocent vacationer. I couldn't disagree more. I don't care if you're trying to hit Miles Austin over the middle against a Giants pass rush or lob it to Payton's bratty kid with a Nerf Whistler, I need my Cowboys quarterback going through his progressions and hitting that target like Candice on the honeymoon. That's what winners do, especially the leader of America's team on America's birthday. If you can't do that, then grab another Strawberry Daiquiri, join the moms and tots, and get to work on another sand castle. DMN may be ahead of the curve here, and for that, I commend them and will ready both my Stephen McGee jersey and Sports Pulitzer for SportsDay.

Where the Morning News falls woefully short on journalistic integrity is simply running with the original TMZ story and continuing the awkward charade of recognizing Bobby Carpenter. Look, we get it. You're BFF's with Romo. Great. But until he gets playing time other than specials teams or is rumored to be nailing a semi-hot celeb and is subsequently pictured with her, I don't ever need to know he was playing a pickup football game, or a real one for that matter.

This Is Pretty Much How You Rock the Rangers Gear and Dominate Laguna Beach

Just makin' those Orange County girls drop those bikini bottoms up and down the coast all day long.