Is There Any Chance the New Pool Lounge, Revive, Isn't a Just Another Douche Trash Dump? (Hint: The answer is No)

Photos courtesy of the Morning News

Photos courtesy of the Observer

So the new rooftop pool above Glass Lounge officially opened up last weekend. Finally Dallasites with diets of Red Bull and cigarettes have somewhere to creep during the day. My question is, do normal dudes who just wanna check out a little bikini-clad talent in-between Ranger at-bats have a place here, or is it strictly the tribal-tatted, coked-up, racially-confused posers that typically dwell behind the velvet ropes and bottle service? Is there like an open house day or something so the college-degreed crowd can see if sunburns, hepatitis, and regret is worth kickin' ass poolside for? I'm not necessarily counting myself out here.

Ranger Fans Are Winners, Don't Care How Much Your Kid Cries Over a Foul Ball

So this video turned up everywhere overnight. Everyone going apeshit over how horrible this couple is over not giving this pouty kid a foul ball. Look, somebody has to teach this kid some hard life lessons, and thank God this couple picks up where these coddling parents dropped the ball (pun intended if it's funny). If you're not gonna get your glove up and make a play on the ball, someone will. If this is how this kid's gonna go through life, then he's always gonna be watching the game from the stands and not from the field. Perfect metaphor for how tough life is, which you'd think some New York announcers would appreciate. Only thing you've gotta shake your head over is the rookie ball photo op. Act like you've been to the big show before and leave the cameras to the kids and Asian tourists.

The Top Five Hate-Bangs in DFW Sports History

Plenty of broads have stormed through D/FW managing to incite mixed emotions amongst the more fervent local sports fans. Many have effortlessly teased a forgotten libido during the drama of a crucial game. Others have further enticed the jersey-wearing simpleton to curse empty threats at an innocent television, pleading for a tangible scapegoat. Some talented temptresses have accomplished both, leaving sexual frustration, confused fan allegiances, and general devastation in their wake like shattered souvenir bats and hastily-opened condom wrappers. These five we won't soon forget:

5. Toni Braxton

In case your forgot the story, the popular '90's soul singer never denied abandoning a potential date with Jason Kidd and leaving the Atlanta-area Mavs team hotel with Jim Jackson instead. Even though Kidd said he had never met her, and Jackson denied her causing a rift, Kidd later demanded a trade and was shipped to the Suns, and Jackson too was gone months later. The championship banners the Three J's were going to bring to Cowboys town would be merely another sad love song.

Hate Rating: 3 out of 10

Since Dallas was too busy winning Super Bowls to care too much about the Mavs, and since it's all mostly speculation, you can't put her too high.

Bang Rating: 6 out of 10

Unbreak my heart any day, Toni. Girl had it goin' on back in the day, plus I still need my chocolate cherry popped.

Spunky Male Cheerleader May Just Be What the Cowboys Need

Season after season of unfulfilled potential and shattered dreams. Think the blame ends on the field? We all know those cheerleaders have been gettin' by on mere tits and reputation for a while now. How the hell are fans supposed to know when to cheer for the touchdown play if we don't have every member of the organization bringin' this kind of energy? This enthusiasm and dedication is just what we need. Plus, you know damn well he was crushing those moves out there. Those judges wouldn't know talent if it motorboated them for a crisp $20.

Do it for the fans, do it for Coach Joe.

Is It Too Late to Wager OVER 159.5 Wins for the Rangers?

Seriously. This team only lost two games cause Old Man Nathan was groovin' beachballs like BP, but even he seemed to get it together Sunday in Minnesota with the 9-pitch 9th. Their team ERA is the best in the league, and it's not even close. Perfect road record. Most runs scored in baseball, even putting down runs on a Lester Fenway start like a pennant's on the line against Detroit. Can we just start the World Series now? Who's good in the NL? Shit's getting embarrassing out there, quite honestly.

If I Go to the Dayglow Paint Party Saturday, Do I Have to Drop X To Have a Good Time?

GRAND PRAIRIE - Dayglow World's Largest Paint Party invades Dallas again at the Quik Trip Park with AXWELL on April 14th, 2012.

I know I've already discussed the fact that I may be too old to go to a rave but if I did I'd crush it. There's no debating that. Let's just say I did find my white V-neck and pink sunglasses and made the trek down I-30. Would the smoke-blasting robots, acrobat strippers, and incessant paint splashing all over my game get old fact if I don't troll some SMU kids for a little E? Simply creeping on the blazin' hot 19-year-olds who might make out with each other while sampling the latest in electro-house will probably be a nice little Saturday. I just don't wanna be that guy who gets annoyed cause kids are constantly bumping into me, asking me to sneak them drinks, and telling me that, no, that music isn't too loud. I get the feeling that half a pill and some Vodka Red Bulls may just do the trick.

Rockwall Teacher Bears Scarlet "A," Fired for Being a Filthy Harlot

ROCKWALL - Cathy Samford, a volleyball coach and science teacher, was fired from Heritage Christian Academy for getting pregnant and not being married, the school acknowledged.
For almost three years, she coached volleyball at the private school. Samford was named "Coach of the Year" and recently began teaching science.
But when she got pregnant last fall, the school fired her because she was not married.
"We all have different views and interpretations," Samford said. "It's not necessarily the Christian thing to do to throw somebody aside because of those."
"I understand some people that would say 'It's a heartless thing to do,'" said the school's headmaster, Dr. Ron Taylor. "It wasn't easy to do.
"The Supreme Court, as a matter of fact in the last month, has ruled 9-to-0 that a Christian school does have that right, because this is a ministry, so we have the right to have standards of conduct," Taylor added.
Taylor said Samford violated the morals clause in her contract and was not a "Christian role model" to her students. "How's it going to look to a little fourth grade girl that sees she's pregnant and she's not married?" Taylor asked.

Not a good look when you're throwing the "not the Christian thing to do" card in a Christian school headmaster's face when you're the one who got knocked up in non-marital sin. You just can't just expect this Dr. Taylor to sweep that meddling morals clause under the rug like it was some innocent handjob behind the band hall. I'm sure your volleyball team is super, but even Petrino and his two BCS appearances didn't get him away from that standards of conduct buzzsaw. If you wanna whore around unprotected, I'm sure there's some teachings openings at DISD. At least that way your bastard kid can share not just a nursery, but tales of hardships about life without a wedded father. You just can't run around Rockwall exposing young, fragile Christian kids to the harsh reality of an unorthodox, unholy family unit, Cathy. Think of the children.

About Damn Time: Upscale Bowling to Start Rolling in Dallas

DALLAS - Bowl & Barrel will open 15 bowling lanes in a 15,000-square-foot boutique bowling alley in the fall at the The Shops at Park Lane. The facility, across North Central Expressway from NorthPark Center, will include a 3,000-square-foot restaurant and bar and will be like a European beer hall. The bowling lanes fill an entertainment void at the center that is home to retailers such as Whole Foods, Home Goods, Old Navy Old NavyLatest from The Business JournalsShops at Park Lane to get upscale bowling alleyHomeGoods signs lease in EdinaBrooks Brothers returning to Hawaii with new storeFollow this company and Saks Off 5th and restaurants like Bailey's Prime Plus and Gordon Biersch.

I don't claim to bowl anything over 150 most times, or even tell you that I would want to go bowling any time soon. I've just always been a little annoyed that if I wanted to hit the lanes up while staying away from the white trash community or the suburbs, I never could. Sure Addison's 300 and Fairview's Splitsville are nice in their own right, but I don't have the time or the energy to find my passport just to curse at gutterballs and risk athletes' foot. If you're tellin' me that there's going to be a little boutique alley hidden in the Park Lane shops where Mesquite can't find it, then I could definitely keep some socks and bowling glove in the car just in case. Watch out, ladies.

What Can the Cowboys Give Up to Get Gronk Today?

How about a Witten/Austin/Bryant package deal? Three for one. Done. Not only is Gronk maybe the best tight end in the game, but he consistantly looks like the most fun pro athlete to hang out with and it's not even close. When he's not dancin at the club right after losing the Super Bowl, crushin' beer bongs in Padre, or banging smokin porn stars, the fun never stops even when chillin' at home. Imagine the fun Dallas would have with this guy, and vice versa. Actually may be close to what Romo and Carpenter probably were like about six years ago, but without the blogs or videos to share it all. Their biggest problem was setting up shop in Addison with the other low-rent 22-year-olds though, instead of layin' some serious pipe from a Post Worthington McKinney Ave. command center. Gronk on the other hand would never leave the Bro-fest at Jefferson North End every summer Saturday, except to go slay some prime tail at Katy Ice House. Talk about a local blog writer's dream. Instead he's just wasting away in the cold, boring Northeast. Shame.

If Kate the Great Can't Get You Ready to Celebrate Christ's Resurrection, Then Nothing Will

The Mrs. still stubbornly contends that Upton isn't anything special. That she's nothing but a big set with party pounds. Well, that's fine with me. That's why she's great. She's not an anorexic Victoria Secret model. She's the face of the Carl's Jr Southwest Paddy Melt for crying out loud. What separates greatness from some some random hot at Prime Bar is that Kate just straight-up knows how to work that camera. You couldn't get the first one hundred equally-hot girls off McKinney Ave. to strut that look with those moves. Straight fire every time. Hallelujah indeed.

Pour One Out For Coach Joe

Sure the Desperadoes, a semi-trashy Lewisville sports bar, a terrible football reality show, and apparently an Italian football team may have been off your radar for the last fifteen years, and that would have been OK. If they were, then you would have missed some hilariously confusing whereabouts of a true Dallas great. So tip a 40, and go watch some '92 Cowboys kickoff coverage game tape tonight. RIP, good sir.

Dallas-Area Feminists Convinced Tax-Payers Just Need a Knitted Replica of Their Barren, Dried-Up Uterus

What is it about the feminist movement that makes everything about sex? You wanna kill some time crocheting some reproductive parts with your soon-to-be-sexually-confused sons, be my guest. Just spare me the non-sense about everyone wanting to touch your baby-making places. No one, not even Republicans or Catholics, is trying to stop you from buying birth control or getting reproductive health care yourself. It's just that everyone else can't continue to pay for it anymore. The country is in massive debt, the state can't pay its teachers, the city can't even repair it's potholes, but you narrow-minded, hyper-ideological cows think this is some moral, sexual injustice. Maybe we're all just a little tired of footing the bill for your fetal-vacuuming after you somehow managed to sneak the seed of some shroomed-up, community college psych professor inside you. Personal responsibility, ladies, that's all.

God Just Trying to Keep Dallas' Ego at Bay, Teases Complete Destruction with Clown Car of Tornadoes

Nothing to see here people, move along. Just a radar map that's more spotty than the bedspread of your favorite hotel under a black light. If this isn't how you get pumped up for Opening Day then I don't know what is. Just trying to keep us humble and remind us that, although unlikely, anything's possible, like catastrophic weather or the Rangers not winning the pennant again. If Arlington can survive that black hovering cone of wind, rain, debris, and death, then bring on the White Sox!

UPDATE - Arlington mayor declares state of local disaster. Probably not a good look for Friday.