The Cowboys Need This 335 lb. Episcopal School of Dallas Tackle/Cheerleader and They Needed Him Yesterday

DALLAS - While the Episcopal School of Dallas football Eagles toiled under the afternoon sun, 6-foot-3, 335-pound nose tackle Armand Fernandez-Pierre intently trained near the north end zone with his other team. The cheer squad. Seriously, 17-year-old senior Fernandez-Pierre is a football player/cheerleader and wholeheartedly dedicated to both pursuits.

He already was well-known at ESD among the college preparatory school’s 1,100 students (age 3 through 12th grade) and their parents, but now he’s a national celebrity. ABC came to the North Dallas campus Thursday to feature Fernandez-Pierre on World News With Diane Sawyer.

An eighth-grade football practice collision broke his neck and partially severed his spinal cord, leaving him hemiplegic for 10 months, paralyzed on the right side of his body.

He had spinal surgery. His single-parent mother, Cencelia Pierre, had to quit work to care for him. While the ESD community rallied around the Pierres, Amand was particularly inspired during his rehabilitation by Cowboys nose tackle Jay Ratliff.

Honestly, have you seen the 'Boys line play? It's sickening. I mean, Armand Fernandez-Pierre has been literally steamrolling private school 200 lb linemen like they're undersized private school linemen. Five star city with fresh dance moves and rich white girls for days. Only problem may be getting inspired by Ratliff. Gotta stay away from the bad seeds, unless you can sneak in and swindle his job right out from under his nose. Have to drop the hyphenated last name too, bro. People are gonna think you're gay or something.

Breaking Down the TCU Frogs 2013 Schedule, With WWCD's World Famous Early Line Estimates

The 2012 pre-season line estimates for TCU was no easy task. With a new conference, each line was a pretty big guess, especially in mid-August. Losing Pachall then rendered everything pretty useless. Even still, for the three officially lined games with Pachall, Vegas' cumulative point deviation from the actual spreads was 15 total points (-20 KU vs game actual -14, -18 UVA vs actual -20, -15 SMU vs actual -8). WWCD is proud to say that we were also 15 total points off (we had -20, -12, and -9 respectively). Again, those were pre-season guesses on our end versus week-by-week from Vegas. So basically this post should be one-stop shopping for all of your TCU betting info needs.

Before last year, many believed that TCU had a good chance to win its first eight games, and would be fortunate to split the final four. While they accomplished the latter, they lost three of their first four post-Pachall Big 12 games and went 4-5 in conference. That wasn't terrible considering only OU and Kansas St finished better than 5-4. The 2013 conference slate moves Texas and Oklahoma earlier in TCU's schedule for Iowa State and Baylor in November.

2012 Stats (#, Big 12 rank, National rank)
Offensive PPG: 28, 8th, 68th
Rush Yards/game: 152, 8th, 66th
Pass Yards/game: 236, 7th, 62nd
Defensive PPG Allowed: 22.6, 2nd (KSU), 30th
Rush Yards/game Allowed: 105, 1st, 10th
Pass Yards/game Allowed: 218, 4th, 42nd

The First Rule in the Sex Swing Theft Game is You Can't Run Over Your Leg With the Getaway Car

DALLAS - It started out as an ordinary transaction: A man walks into the Lyndon B. Johnson Freeway outpost of Sara's Secret just before 9 p.m. Wednesday and asks to see their selection of fetish swings. The employee goes and retrieves an available model and shows it to the customer, who seems impressed. He'll take it, he says, so long as they take plastic. Upon learning that they do, he says he'll just jog out to the car to fetch his credit card.

The customer, swing in hand, walked out the front door to a Nissan sedan where a woman was waiting in the driver's seat. But instead of getting his credit card and returning to complete the purchase, he hopped in the passenger's seat and prepared to drive off.

Before the couple could make it out of the parking lot, however, karma had its way. As the car began rolling, the man fell to the ground, where his leg was run over by the getaway vehicle. The police report doesn't detail how he managed to do this, just that he was able to pull himself rather quickly into the car, which made an escape on the eastbound LBJ service road.

There isn't a more amateur move in the book, really. Yea, everybody gets excited about the thought of hittin' up that bathtub crank and giving your Mesquite beauty queen the ride of her life, but act like you've been there before. You're not stealing some introductory vibrator here. This is the big leagues. You're probably not gonna figure out the directions to get it set up in time to use that night anyway. It's like getting that new 10-speed on Christmas morning that your parents didn't pay to have assembled. That excitement's soon lost in a pile of crumbled instructions, hand-me-down tools, cigarette butts, and expletives. Have a little pride and pay for your sex toys discreetly online like the rest of us.

Power Player Question, Vol. 2: Should I Move WWCD's Entire Operation to Dallas' New Executive Lounge or Just Use it for the Big Guns?

So next up in our ongoing series of elite discussions brings us to this new XL Executive Lounge on Knox and 75. Anything with "executive" and "lounge" is clearly a place for today's power players like yours truly, especially with these amenities. Multi-zoned co-working? Obviously you can't put the high-level executive bloggers in the same room as unpaid interns. Creative and Game Zone? I like to think I've spruced up our own digs a bit, but today's power exec is too busy to meet the entertainment whims of every low-level simpleton on his own. Adjacent Cafe with coffee, empanadas, salads, and more? Yea, we could definitely use some help with the office eatery. 24-Hour Access with key-fob entry? Every regional blogging tycoon knows 3am is the only decent time to clock in the quality posting, and I don't go through a door without a secured key-fob entry. Won't do it. My only question is if I should just permanently rent out a wing and show these faux exec's what mogul life is all about. Maybe I should just pay the ultra-premium rate to bring the high dollar clients in unannounced and commandeer any meeting room I want? That's gotta be an available package, right? We're Dallas executives here for crying out loud.

So Here's the Local Select Baseball Coach Who Was Arrested for Beaning a 15-year-old Over a Dozen Times

 

ELLIS COUNTY - A former Ellis County select league baseball coach was sentenced to 15 days in jail Tuesday for hurling at least 12 baseballs at a 15-year-old player at speeds of up to 80 miles an hour.
Ron Edgar Santos, Jr. was sentenced on Tuesday afternoon in Judge A. Gene Calvert, Jr.'s Ellis County courtroom. He'll spend 15 days in jail, pay a $500 fine, and be on community supervision for 18 months.
Santos was arrested in October 2012 for allegedly throwing between 12 and 15 "hard core baseballs" at a player who was struggling to stay in the batter's box, Ellis County Sheriff's Lt. James Saulter told News 8 then. Investigators could see baseball seams on the boy's body, as well as bruising and swelling on his arms, legs and back.
Santos defended the act to investigators as a "training technique."

I can appreciate tough love as much as the next abusive manager. I've lost count of the number of hot coffees I've thrown in the face of lazy interns after they blogged some three-day-old city hall snoozer. These entitled kids just don't listen. What I don't understand is why Ronny Santos was goin' head-huntin' when the kid WASN'T staying in the box. You think he's gonna step up now, Vicente Padilla? You couldn't pay me to crowd this bro's plate. Earhole city.

BY THE WAY - Speeds up to 80 mph means soft toss all day with a single sneaky heater to keep 'em on their toes. Walk it off, kid.

Screw the British, Dirk and Wife Announce Their Own Royal Offspring

DALLAS - Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki is a first-time father.
His team has confirmed that Jessica Olsson, the wife of the 2007 NBA MVP, has given birth to a daughter today, something reported by German newspaper Bild earlier in the day.
"I am proud to be a grandfather for the third time," Nowitzki's father, Jörg, told the paper. Nowitzki's sister, Silke, has two children.
The name has not been disclosed. Nowitzki and his wife were married in Dallas on July 20, 2012, in a quiet ceremony.

The big German just can't miss. Bangin' the bottom out of that open bucket with that high leg kick like it's his MVP year. Who says he's out of his prime? Sure diluting the Master race may upset the Motherland, but just wait twenty-two years when their women's national team is getting torched by an unguardable seven footer with a fadeaway jump shot as pure as their lineage. Brittney Griner better enjoy the precious few remaining years of her collegiate records.

FDA Doing It Big Per Usual, Bans Dallas Lab's Workout Secret's Jack3d and OxyElite Pro

DALLAS - USP Labs' Dallas headquarters doesn't actually look much like a laboratory. It's more of a nondescript warehouse in a sea of nondescript warehouses off Stemmons Freeway and Northwest Highway. That's where the company keeps its stock of its bodybuilding supplements for shipping to retailers like GNC or directly through its website.

One of its most popular products was Jack3d...
But Jack3d does more than boost workouts. It also allegedly kills people, most notably two soldiers who suffered fatal heart attacks during Army workouts after taking the product. That led the Defense Department to ban the product and others containing a compound called dimethylamylamine, or DMAA, from stores on its bases. Earlier this year, the Food and Drug Administration issued a public alert, warning consumers to steer clear of DMAA-containing products after confirming 86 reports of illness and death.

The agency has since been working with supplement companies to get DMAA off the shelves. According to a piece in The New York Times on Tuesday, USP Labs agreed to reformulate Jack3d and another product, OxyElite Pro, to make them DMAA free, which made the FDA happy. Then, it went about selling its remaining inventory of the product as usual, which did not.

Come on FDA, do you even lift, bro? Gym rats like me don't need some pencil-pushing government bureaucrat telling me what I can and can't eat, drink, snort, or inject to get that chiseled blogger's look like you read about. Whether its pushing that last bench set or crafting that hilarious, deadline-beating blog post, sometimes you just need a little nudge. Coffee, cocaine, topless interns, and innocent fat-burners that have only killed or injured a meager 86 amateurs are all in play if you want to remain a media tycoon in this town.

So Here's the Brother Who Was Arrested for Panhandling Naked, Showboating in South Dallas

Charles Lee Johnson

DALLAS - Johnson was back at Little World Food Store early this morning, once again asking passersby for money, only this time there was an important difference: He wasn't wearing any clothes.
It's unclear whether his nude panhandling was successful. Anyway, it wasn't long before a store employee called police and told them there was a naked man in the wheelchair harassing customers. A pair of police officers arrived and saw Johnson, who they note in a police report was indeed "on a wheelchair on the property panhandling."

It's a tough world for panhandlers just tryin' to make an honest living. Lurking cops, heckling teens, crippling shame, weak union benefits, you name it. As if I didn't need another reason not to toss my hard-earned blogging bucks into a sticky Slurpie cup though, whippin' out the ol' Black Mamba pretty much closes the deal. Doesn't matter how rich or successful some white dude is. If some crippled, homeless vagrant can just flash you and the wife the hog at a moment's notice, he knows he's cuckholded you. Better than a few crumpled singles, really. Emasculation city. You tell me every Wall Street Weinstein wouldn't trade places for one weekend just to have that kind of raw power.

Chicken Scratch Is Dominating the Local Billboard Game

Richards Group doing it big, per usual. Chicken Scratch and the Foundry give zero shits. They're still gonna throw down the best non-Katy Trail patio game around. The coolest places in every big city are in transitioning neighborhoods. They know it, and if you wanna keep up, you better know it. Think pulling up in some Mexican cartel mule's front yard is gonna slow down the J Blacks or Slip Inn crowds? Please. Gotta park in a car wash bay at Goodfriend? It was dirty anyway. Have to turn down panhandling transients while walking to Cane Rosso or Sunset Lounge? You don't even carry cash, bro. Whoever doesn't get signs like this doesn't belong anyhow.

The Five Most Ready-to-Bang Women at the Byron Nelson Championship

As a Dallas tradition is once again upon us, we examine the action outside the ropes. While the fairways and greens are in fine shape, the trim is in championship condition and ready to get a 19th hole stuffed.

5. The Wife

Doesn't wanna be here and doesn't care who knows it. She's put in the time, got the ring, and if she has to leave the villa for five minutes you're sleeping on the couch. God forbid you ask her to head out past 2 or 17 on foot, graphite is your only shaft getting action until Labor Day.

If You Think Katy Trail Ice House Opening Up a Plano Location Is a Great Idea, Then You're Missing the Point

 

DALLAS - A spinoff of the Katy Trail Ice House called Katy Trail Ice House and Outpost will open this month in the old Bandito's spot in West Plano, where it will do a suburban version of the popular Uptown beer garden and restaurant. Bandito's closed May 5.

Set to open "within the next 2 to 3 weeks," the second Ice House may not be on the Katy Trail, but it will have a similar menu, lots of beers and a big big patio, says co-owner Buddy Cramer.
"It's not meant to be an exact copy," Cramer says. "It's not as big. It’s in the 'burbs. We'll do some of the same things, like serve barbecue from an ice house, and we'll capture a lot of the Ice House spirit. But it's going to be a little bit different."

Oh really? A little bit different? For years there was one thing that I thought this town needed, and that was a bar on the Katy Trail. I just couldn't open one up myself cause I can only dominate one industry at a time. Sure enough, the Katy Ice House is the hottest spot in town on a pretty day, hands down. Anybody can offer mediocre food and craft beers, but few have a front row seat to the hottest of the city bouncing by in Lululemon's, tit jobs, and self-confidence. Take it off the trail and you're looking so far up to the Foundry or Saint Ann in patio superiority it'll make your head spin. I thought the whole original concept was to copy the eclectic Austin vibe. Now suburbia? Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that the Shops at Legacy could possibly support a smaller, ice house-style bar, but Park and Preston? What's your angle, Cramer? Cougar den? High school hotspot?

How About the Balls on the Sacramento Bee Newspaper to Get a Big Laugh at the Expense of the 14 People Who Died in West?

 

So apparently over the weekend there was a big fuss in the Morning News and the Observer over Rick Perry issuing his disgust at the California capital's snickering before the smoke even cleared. The sub-human author even defended it and said he would do it again. I know I'd be pretty pissed too if I had to look at the scoreboard and see my state losing jobs and tax-paying citizens while drowning in billions of debt when compared to the Lone Star State. However, we've got one hard and fast rule around here, and that's to steer clear of death. I'd think an actual, established newspaper could at least try to keep up with our low ethical bar. But how about the lead story being, not the blatant indecency that started it, but Perry's reaction? What the hell's going on around here?

 

By the Way - Only scum-of-the-Earth Observer commenters would continue to use the backdrop of over a dozen brave emergency responders' deaths to go on anti-Rick Perry rants. Makes me feel a lot better about bashing 10-year-olds or pointing and laughing at hard-nippled exercisers.

Marry-F-Kill, NFL Draft Edition: Dallas Cowboys Top 3 Picks

31st pick - Travis Frederick
Center - Wisconsin

47th pick - Gavin Escobar
Tight End - San Diego St.

74th pick - Terrance Williams
Wide Receiver - Baylor

Marry - Travis Frederick
After whoring around with tarted-up, skill position tricks, sometimes you've gotta do what's best for the family. Sure you coulda gotten him much later, but we all know the 'boys can't go another year with their current snapping situation. He might not be the prettiest belle at the ball, but while others' looks will fade, Travis is still gonna log the hours behind the scenes and be that coach on the field.

F - Terrance Williams
Do we need another WR after apparently committing to a two TE set? Probably not. Every once in a while do you need to wear out some buzzed mini-skirt in a Sfuzzi bathroom stall? We're all human. Terrance is that tasty tempress you hazily spot winking in your direction near closing time. You know you shouldn't, but there's so much raw talent, and let's face it, there's just some things the wife won't do.

Kill - Gavin Escobar
I don't care what his last name is and the potential danger that killing him may put me in. I do know that this team has more holes than a Harry Hines hourly motel gangbang. We've got Witten signed through 2017, and Hanna, drafted just last year, signed through 2015 already at the limited position. Both my bookie and marriage counselor agree that I watch too much college football, yet I'd barely heard of this clown. I guess Monte Kiffin drank his milk and fell asleep instead of speaking up for a defensive line that's been busy racking up DUI's and manslaughter charges like the popcorn chicken at a Beamers happy hour.

In Honor of W's Presidential Library Dedication, What Should I Include in My Exhibit at the Blogging Mogul Library?

Pretty simple, really. Accomplished men like Bush 43 and myself know that you've got to leave a little something tangible behind so others can witness your greatness. He's got me beat in the office department since my low-ball bid for the Ritz came up just short, so I'll concede that.

 I'm sure even my bobblehead would make chicks wet, but I think that instead of a figurine of myself, it would be more appropriate to pick one representing where I came from....

Confident, sophisticated. The bow tie says I'm going somewhere more important than here with you, and I'll stomp on your flowers and wave my victory flag on my way out. A proven winner, a born leader.

It's definitely important to let aspiring bloggers get a feel of the day-to-day grind. A little behind the scenes look at what it takes to build a media empire...

 

 

Everyday I get the same tired question... "what do industry tycoons do with their vast riches in their spare time?"

As loyal readers know, every evening I have my attendant fire up the hottub and set a Woodford Reserve and a stoge out. I may not go outside for a week, but if I want to, it's there, fresh every evening. It's not much, but simple pleasure for simple people. I'd even be willing to donate the entire spa to the collection since it's heating up outside anyway.

Sure this sight is usually all about hot chicks and good ol' hetero times, but there was a time in mid-to-late 2011, and a brief re-lapse in 2012, where the reader wasn't so sure about which way this site was swingin'. While I'll take full responsibilty, let's just say it was a dark, experimental time, and there are some things that may forever stay off the record.

Finally, any tribute to WWCD has to include the site's most-viewed post. So with that, we again say hello to Southwest Kia Girl.

Early Frontrunner for Rangers 2013 .Gif of the Year Features Unbridled, Innocent Exuberance, Humiliation

Maybe it's cause we've all been there, chillin' with the bro's on the front row, fist-pumping life, when all of the sudden you're ass-deep in half-eaten nachos and shame. Maybe it's the perfect metaphor for the Rangers 2012 season. Either way, Murphy's really gonna have to have a spectacular trip-over-shoelaces faceplant this summer to top this one. Just know we Rangers' fans keep a high bar around here, kid...

If You Thought Margaret Thatcher's Granddaughter Was Hot Enough to Be from Dallas, You'd Be Right

 

 

 

 

LONDON - Like many hot people, Amanda Thatcher is American. Born in Dallas, she spent the early part of her childhood in Cape Town, South Africa but returned, along with her mother and older brother, to her mother's home state of Texas in 2004 at age 11. The move happened after her father, a former race car driver, was arrested in South Africa for his alleged involvement in a failed coup to overthrow the government of Equatorial Guinea. She now attends the University of Richmond.

Amanda's brother, Michael, a high school football star who majored in chemistry at Texas A&M, was also present at the service but did not read. The siblings were Margaret Thatcher's only grandchildren.

So everybody in England is freaking out about the Iron Lady's 19-year-old grandkid who flat out rocked Ephesians 6:10-18. Just can't enough of the American blonde bombshell, or even her high school football star brother. Like it's some phony American fairy tale. That's what those pasty Brits don't get. Everybody who's anybody in this town is either hot or a high school football star, if not both. Sure the Highland Park connection is kinda rubbing it in, but you shouldn't expect anything less from the family of a great world leader. My only question is how we let this little gem slip through our hands to jump hurdles in podunk Virginia. Gotta do a better job of keeping our talent in the system.

Former Maverick Great @CharleeRedz13 Marries His Pregnant Mesquite Girlfriend

 

DALLAS - You may have been wondering how Delonte West has been spending his free time now that he's on an indefinite hiatus from professional basketball. If Twitter is any indication, he's still in the Dallas area and has mostly occupied himself by making cameos at local gyms and dropping in on middle school basketball practices.

It's now clear that West has been engaged in non-basketball activities as well, namely making babies. He announced this yesterday in typical Delonte fashion.
"..Coud-Gracious-Alive!!...look at my 2 babies!!!....." he wrote on Twitter. "Lil CHARLEEREDZzz...comin soon to a theater near U!"
 
County marriage records identify the lucky lady as the former Caressa Suzzette Madden, whom the Internet identifies as a 24-year-old from Mesquite.

If the past serves as any forecast of the future, I'm sure their lives together will be filled with years of tranquil stability and lucrative employment in a quiet, upscale suburban neighborhood.

Highland Park 10-Year-Old Reminds Us All Why It's Better to Never Fill Out a Bracket

DALLAS - As Michigan and Louisville tipped off in the national title game in Atlanta, 10-year-old Brayden Schager sunk into a couch with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Watching on an 80-inch screen in a converted garage in Highland Park, he remained calm despite being on the brink of history.

If Michigan won, Schager would have the top ranked bracket out of 8.15 million filled out in ESPN’s Tournament Challenge. He correctly picked 12 of the Sweet Sixteen, seven of the Elite Eight (only missing Duke), all of the Final Four and Louisville and Michigan in the finals.
The bracket was created one night over dinner. Schager called his dad, Scott, who was on vacation in Miami, and asked him for help logging in to ESPN. He filled out 10 brackets on ESPN and had another one with a group of friends.
There wasn’t a prize at stake. ESPN will randomly assign a $10,000 Best Buy gift card to one of the approximately 80,000 people who had brackets in the top one percent. This was simply for pride.
Just before the final buzzer, he took a picture with his first-place bracket. A few short seconds later he dropped from No. 1 to No. 38,292. Disappointed, Schrager walked over to his mom, who wrapped him in a hug.

Just so many validations in this story about why I stopped doing brackets that my only regret is I didn't quit sooner.  If Barbara from Accounts Receivable and her cat aren't scoreboarding the entire office, then there's always some cocky 10-year-old who filled out like 17 different brackets. Guess they're not teaching integrity in schools anymore. And how bout the nerve on this Brayden Schager to say he was guessing, as if we're supposed to believe he had binders of data that ran out after the first nine brackets, so he had to fall back on blind intuition? Hey Nostradamus, if you're so confident then what are you doing using ESPN's Grandma League, where out of over eight million entries, the top prize is a 1 in 80,000 chance for a gift card? Talk about rookie ball. Next time put your piggy bank on the line like a man then we'll talk. I'm sure his allowance is about what WWCD piles up in a week anyway. Oh, and next time, how bout you wait until after the game to celebrate. At the end of the day you didn't even crack the top 38,291 and got only a disapproving hug from mom. Choke city, basically.

Dallas' New $3 Billion Midtown Development Unveils Flashy Video, Sexy Demographic Stats

Can't afford the real deal in Uptown? Don't wanna slum it in Addison? Ever felt compelled to go to the Galleria, but wish there was something more compelling nearby? Dallas may just have the perfect place for you. Meet Midtown. Sure, it's like ten miles north of Uptown, but just go with it. The old Valley View Center north of LBJ between Preston and the Galleria will soon be home to a glaring sea of office, condo, and hotel towers, complete with it's own retail and shopping, park, trolley, cable car, and hike and bike trail, just in case you don't like any of those existing offerings in Old Town, or whatever greater downtown will be called by then . At least the double-decker 635 should be wrapped up by then, just in case you ever feel like you have to leave this mini-city for any reason.

How Crappy Are Astros Fans for Cheering for Marwin Gonzalez' Base Hit?

While I'm sure the purists who support the broadcast-mention jinx are all over Busby's ass this morning, I'm troubled at just how terrible Houston fans are for going bonkers after a single down seven to break up a perfect-O. Houston is gonna lose 100 games this season. That hit, and that loss, mean nothing. How great would it be to say you were there for a perfect freaking game? Sure they're just about every week these days, but it still would've been just the 24th in MLB history. However, I vividly remember Mark Buehrle no-hitting the Rangers in 2007, coincidentally to AJ Pierzynski, and it sucked. I was on my feet acting like the pennant was on the line with each fruitless at-bat. Was I sorry then, or was it OK cause I wasn't there and it wasn't a perfect game? Obviously Ranger fans are pissed, so I'm a little biased. Either way, the Astros and their fans made up a lot of ground in the AL West rivalry game. What's the ruling here?

Pilot Point Bro Has the Cheapest 700 Pound Bench Press Going

Can I just ask whatever happened to good old fashioned range of motion? No way those elbows sniffed 90 degrees. I mean, can't most gymbro's toss up at least 550 with the elbows over 110 degrees? If I would've known that if I packed on a little chest mass to cheat the system, I coulda rocked the weight room back in the day even more than I did. Everybody knows chicks would rather see a lean, chiseled blogger press a gentleman's 250 at an honest 60 degrees anyway. Plus, at least I can wear a sport coat and scratch my back.

How Crazy Is Mrs. Benefactor to Think that Wiz Khalifa's "Young, Wild, and Free" and Cults "Go Outside" Use the Same Beat?

So the other day I'm walking around the house whistling Cults classic, "Go Outside," looking about as hip as you do in your dreams. All of the sudden the wife asks me why I'm whistling that song from Saturday's post-parade Snoop concert. Naturally I tell her she's crazy to think that Snoop would play a relatively obscure indie pop song for a heavily medicated and sunburned, hip-hop classic-craving sea of green. Even her accompanying friend agreed with her. Same song, old man. I've listened to each one a dozen times now, but since I can't write music, I can't technically explain how they're not even close without losing my mind. I mean we're one dirty dish in the sink away from divorce over here, and I can't have the IRS digging their noses around the WWCD books after neglected alimony payments. What if I'm wrong, though? What if one did adopt part of the beat from another? What if my wife's musical ear was more perceptive than mine? Do I even want to live in this world? There's no way, right?

Mi Cocina Chicken Fajitas Run Circles Around Gloria's and It's Not Even Close

So when me and the Mrs. are playin' it casual, we do it Mexican-style. When we lived in the M Streets, it was the Greenville Gloria's. Loved it. Now it's the Lake Highlands Mi Cocina as routinely as most average Joe's go to McDonald's. I know they're both semi-chains who've sold out and moved to the 'burbs, but they're still good for a quality start night in and night out. Plus it helps that at MiCo I get the five-start treatment and the back booth reserved for blogging moguls. After a few years of plowing through more Mambo Taxi's and fajitas plates than Urban Spoon, I went back to the ol' Gloria's stompin' grounds Wednesday and got the usual. Lemme me tell you... wasn't even in the same ballpark. Love the Gloria's bean dip and happy hour prices, but what little chicken there was seemed both bland and oddly shaped, the rice had no kick, and the beans were as flat as a Matrix jumper. I don't need a mariachi band or anything, but I do need a little pizazz, a little showmanship, and Gloria's was a one-way ticket to Disappointment Town. MiCo ftw, but those Taxi's at $8 a pop sting when it's hasn't been a strong 1Q aroud here.

A Brand New Cubes-Jerry Grudge is Born: Emmy Nods

Game, set, statuette Cubes, right? I really don't see it any other way. I see your patented wink, Jerry, but you can't beat the classically-trained delivery, iconic smile, and melt-your-heart eyes of one of America's few true multi-talented pioneers. I know it's probably blasphemy, but I never watched Dallas. If I did, and I had Bobby Ewing sharing my mogul-sized TV screen with a couple of true Dallas hero's, that's it. TV is done. Everybody go home.

There's Over Two Dozen Billionaires Living in North Texas, So Who the Hell Are These People?

So Frontburner compiled a nice, clean chart of your friendly neighborhood billionaires, all from the latest Forbes issue. As sports fans, we all know a few of the usual suspects, and educated, connected Dallasites like myself are quite familiar with many more. But what about the mouth-breathing D/FW simpleton who may know little else outside of the Twin Peaks happy hour specials, how much Romo sucks, and the playlist of 97.1 FM? WWCD is here to help you. Yes, you.

#16 (world rank)- Alice Walton, $26.3 billion
One of Sam Walton's four kids, and the second-richest American woman. While her sprawling ranch is near Mineral Wells, she'd rather spend her time driving drunk in Weatherford, cause what else are you gonna do?

How Much Should Ranger Fans Worry About Elvis Andrus' New Tattoo?

SURPRISE - Shortstop Elvis Andrus was scratched from the Texas Rangers’ lineup for Thursday’s game against Cleveland because of a novel ailment: post-tattoo sensitivity. Andrus has new body art on the upper left arm featuring a likeness of his late father. The elaborate needle work caused sensitivity in the biceps area.
Andrus will leave the club on Saturday to join Team Venezuela in its preparations for the World Baseball Classic. If Venezuela were to reach the title game, Andrus would be out of camp until March 20.

Gotta respect the balls on Elvis to roll with the ol' "post-tattoo sensitivity" on the official injury report. Everybody makes up spring injuries to make that tee time, but the day E plays golf is the day I play hockey. I feel like we need to know what these low-rent Dominicans are in such a hurry to get to. Throwin' dice in the equipment shed? Cactus League cockfighting ring? For the fans, Elvis. For the fans.

More importantly, we all know that when Elvis' contract is up after the 2014 season, baseball people say he could be a $100+ million man. Is the kind of bro who uses his arm as a permanent family photo album someone you want to give $100 million dollars to? We did just let Ham-bone walk, right? This is baseball, not prison or the NBA. More importantly, this is Dallas, not some backwoods, small market outpost. If you wanna keep bangin' that broad with a smoker's cough and Cesarean scar in the Sherlocks' bathroom til you're 40, be my guest. Just know that you're probably not gonna find a place on my team.

Looks Like Spearmint Rhino's Days in Dallas May be Numbered

 

  

DALLAS - A Dallas jury has awarded $10.5 million to the family of a woman who was killed when she was run over outside a topless club in 2011. The woman, 23-year-old Kasey McKenzie, was crushed under the wheels of a ‘monster truck’ driven by Eric Brent Crutchfield, a patron who had been drinking heavily at the Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen’s Club near Walnut Hill Lane and the Stemmons Freeway.
The verdict against the club came in the trial of a civil suit alleging that employees of the Spearmint Rhino continued to serve drinks to Crutchfield over a period three or four hours, “even though it was or should have been apparent … that Crutchfield was intoxicated to the extent that he presented a clear danger to himself and others.” Crutchfield ran over McKenzie in the parking lot of the strip club as he was leaving around 2 a.m. on March 17, 2011. According to the lawsuit, his blood alcohol content was about twice the legal limit. He told investigators that he had no idea he’d hit anyone.
Under the so-called ‘dram shop’ doctrine, bars, restaurants, liquor stores, and other establishments can be held held liable if they serve alcohol to customers who are clearly intoxicated. A spokesperson for The Schmidt Firm said the $10.5 million jury award was believed to be the biggest dram shop verdict in Dallas County in recent history.

There's not many regrets I keep. Among them, not jumping into the hottub scene sooner, not partying with DJ Mbenga, and not getting the midgets to play football at the WWCD shareholders' meeting. Sneaking up that list may soon be my absence at one of our finer adult entertainment establishments. Unless they appeal this monster, $10 mil is gonna make it pretty tough for these broads to keep their doors open, so to speak. Sure, among the topless joints, the Lodge may be the best, the Clubhouse may be the creepiest, and Jaguars may be the most adulterous, but least I can say I've checked them off my list. I'd say it would be downright criminal if I never got the chance to motorboat some of the more legit sets in the game. Chalk this up to the pitfalls of micro-managing a successful business, I guess. Just can't get away like I used to.

Gyrating Teens Terrorizing Highland Park Village One Harlem Shake at a Time

I don't exactly go out and look for ways to publicize annoying high school kids, but sometimes you've gotta give credit where credit is do. A flash mob of modern-day Village People violently pulsating hips in the face of innocent produce-purchasing senior citizens at Tom Thumb and Mambo Taxi-sipping cougars at Mi Cocina gets the job done for a Wednesday. I'm sure I'm not nearly as happy if they knocked my sunset enchiladas into my lap though.

UPDATE (2/18/13): Little did I realize how nauseatingly overdone this meme would quickly become. Either way, post still stands. You get it done first, you win... like sex.

Next Time I Go to Battle I'm Bringing One Weapon: A Bored Colleyville Mom

 

COLLEYVILLE - A Tarrant County grand jury indicted a Colleyville mother on a charge of leading middle schoolers in a prank that left a neighbor’s home covered in toilet paper, mustard and $6,000 worth of damage. Tara Mauney faces up to 2 years in state jail and a $10,000 fine for her alleged role in the prank, though her attorney said in September that his client was only hosting a sleepover for a group of girls.

According to police documents, vandals struck a home on Alexandra Drive, where another group of middle schoolers were having a sleepover. That home was covered in toilet paper , and sanitary napkins stained with ketchup were stuck to windows and along the driveway. The vandals also left two raw chicken halves in the home’s mailbox, according to police.

Mauney was arrested several days later. Witnesses told police that Mauney was seen at a Euless Walmart the night before the vandalism buying more than 100 rolls of toilet paper with a group of eight children. Surveillance video confirmed it, and showed the woman posing with the young people in a group photo.

Suburban moms doin' it big. No day job, no career validation, husband constantly working late, kids never think you're cool, vibrator on the fritz... Tara saw on opening to fill that emotional void and went all in like only angst-ridden tweens know how. It clearly takes a crafty veteran to know when to push it to 100 rolls or the condiment variety pack, but the raw chicken in the mailbox is next-level stuff. It's what separates the women from the girls. After a couple days the mailman's just gonna have to throw away the collection notices and Kohl's coupons, cause that stench isn't leaving. You've gotta think a fiesty broad like this can go the full twelve rounds in the sack and still crave more though. I mean 50 Shades-type shit. Unfulfilled sexual needs for days.

By the Way - Obviously there's no debate that if I'm ever caught buying toilet paper in bulk at a Euless Wal-Mart, just put me in a straight jacket and lock me up. My life's pretty much over anyway.

Real Talk: What Dude Still Uses Facebook?

CNBC - The power outage at Super Bowl 47 shined light on a growing issue for Facebook. Namely, its lack of relevancy during a live-event.
Super Bowl XLVII, the third most-watched program in television history, was accompanied by 52 national TV commercials, according to internet marketing site Marketing Land. Twitter was mentioned in 26 ads, or 50 percent, aired during CBS' game coverage. Facebook took home four mentions for eight percent.
Facebook and Twitter each received eight mentions out of a total of 59 national commercials during Super Bowl 46 in 2012, wrote Marketing Land. That means Twitter received more than two times as many mentions this year, while Facebook saw a 50 percent drop in big game ad mentions year-over-year.
Why are brands, who shelled out an average of $3.8 million per 30 second spot, shying away from a social network that has 1.06 billion users for a micro-blogging platform that has just 200 million users?
While Facebook may have an extreme edge over Twitter when it comes to the amount of monthly active users, advertisers want engagement on the platforms most inhabited during a live-event.
Facebook, which celebrated its nine year anniversary Monday, has multiple barriers to overcome if it would like to be real-time relevant.
1) Non-Chronological News Feed
In an effort to enhance user experience, Facebook will display interesting content to users upon sign-in. The news feed's algorithm, using several factors to determine top stories, ensures that its users have a pleasant experience in each visit to the site.
"The bigger Facebook gets the slower it becomes," Elimeliah said. "Facebook has been errant in the way it serves up stories. They choose what the Top Stories are rather than force you to look at what the recent stories are. It's antithetical to a live stream." Because Facebook utilizes a Top Posts format and doesn't give its users the ability to view Most Recent Posts in chronological order, users have no reason to live inside the platform in real-time; a visit to Facebook the next morning will produce the previous day's most engaging content.
2) Walled Garden
Although Facebook recently added Subscribe/Follow buttons to give users access to content from those they may not be friends with, the social networking site is mostly used to connect with friends and family members. This means an interesting thought posted to Facebook by a friend of a friend or someone on the other side of the world has little chance of ever appearing in your news feed.
Tweets, on the other hand, by default, are published to the world. Twitter users are encouraged to follow and connect with those that share their interests, while meeting in real life is not a prerequisite. Facebook's mostly closed garden approach — while useful to create an intimate social setting — is a massive real-time barrier.
3) Lack of Brevity
Have you ever watched a movie with someone who makes long-winded points? It's not pleasant. Since Facebook's platform allows for a status of up to 63,206 characters, users aren't exactly focused on keeping it concise.
While not all Facebook posts are paragraphs long, it's hard to consume a stream of content that may require you to take your eyes off the first screen (your television) for more than a few seconds at a time.
"Facebook is an investment in time," Elimeliah said. "The Timeline itself tells us that Facebook is for collecting and scrapbooking your life so that one day, maybe, you will look back on those fond memories."
On the flipside, "Twitter is real-time. The speed of Twitter is what keeps it true. You can't polish your posts because there is no time to polish the post. You have to think fast and think smart. It challenges the way we communicate and is as real-time as real-time can possibly get."
If viewers already struggle reading 140-character Tweets in the vicious cycle of repeatedly checking the TV and their phone, longer status updates stand no chance. Facebook has also fostered a platform where most users share personal experiences and life events, not evoked thoughts while watching a Super Bowl.
4) Competition
Twitter could possibly be Facebook's biggest real-time roadblock. Users and brands recognize Twitter's platform as the current go-to second-screen. Even with a user gap of 800 million between Facebook and Twitter, the latter is clearly the more convenient medium on a companion device.

Obviously some solid points here by CNBC. While I appreciate Facebook's innovation in certain social media areas, its irrelevancy grows with each passing day. Everybody knows that the only people who still use it are bored moms posting daily kid pics, grandparents who comment on those kid pics, and insecure narcissists who need their happy hour at Chili's or their cat's silly sweater validated with an endless parade of emotionally empty "likes." Anyone who has been paying a lick of attention lately knows that Twitter has clearly been where real business takes place. If you want the best, most concise, tailored, and cleanest timelime to follow during a big event like the Super Bowl, it's Twitter. It's not even Twitter that's kicking Facebook's ass either. If a chick wants to post a quality cleav shot, it's Instagram. Facebook's bread and butter, suburban housewives, have moved on to Pinterest. It's not 2006, and kids are hooking up much easier on Tinder. Even the gayballs are stalking on Grindr. So honestly, if you're a dude still on Facebook, wtf are you doing?

Plano Mom Shocked That Nipples Get Hard During Exercise, Sues Caring and Attentive Trainers

PLANO - Jamie Johnson is a mother of two. She was hoping to get back into an exercise routine, so she started going to the LA Fitness club near Coit Road and Bush Turnpike in Plano. She said her experience quickly soured after her two trainers allegedly made sexually explicit comments and put her through unusual exercises.
“The behavior of both trainers is reprehensible,” said attorney Chase Laws.
Johnson said one trainer put her through unusual exercises that she said exploited her.
“I would ask, 'Why this exercise?' or, 'Why are you standing there?' and he would bluntly say: 'So I can see your chest move,'” Johnson said.
She claims the trainer made sexually explicit statements on a daily basis. At one point, Johnson recalled the trainer saying: "I know you’re getting a good workout because your nipples are getting hard."
Johnson said she cried and left the gym and didn't return for months. She came back to LA Fitness only to have another trainer make similar comments and put her in other unusual exercises that she said exploited her body.
Johnson said the final straw was a text message that her five-year-old first opened. It read: “Do u suffer from hard nipple syndrome,” referring to her previous interaction with her first trainer.
Their petition shows the Johnsons are reporting roughly $2,800 in monetary losses. Jamie Johnson is seeking damages for lost wages, psychiatric care, out-of-pocket expenses, and lost earnings.

Sure, in the movies the trainers are all high-fivin' bro's and feelin' up trophy wives. To all the young, aspiring health professionals out there, let this serve as a lesson. The real world's all Jamie Johnsons... overweight, bitter housewives who don't understand the basic human responses to exercise. Should a respected trainer make it a little more clear in the initial consult how he gauges exercise intensity? Probably. Should every professional avoid texts that could serve as evidence? Absolutely. If you don't know that a couple of acorns can sneak into a sports bra after crushing a boot camp class, I think we all know that every exercise is "unusual," don't we Jamie.

Looks Like TCU's Offense Wasn't the Only Shit Left at Amon G Carter Late in the Season

FORT WORTH - A report from the Texas Commission of Environmental Quality indicates that thousands of gallons of sewage were accidentally funneled from a locker room adjacent to TCU's Amon G. Carter Stadium into a nearby drainage ditch during the past six months. The concrete ditch eventually runs through the Colonial Country Club area and into the Trinity River.

"The problem has been corrected, authorities have inspected the work, and there does not appear to have been harm to the water quality or eco-life," the university said in a statement.

The line problem has since been fixed, and the report states the City of Fort Worth's Environmental Services Division inspected the area in question and gave the all clear.

According to a report, during recent renovations a sewer line for a redone locker room was inadvertently attached to a storm line that runs underneath the field, which funnels into the channel behind the stadium. Initial estimates were that more than 20,000 gallons of sewage water could have been released, but the actual figure is less than half that, according to the state.

Students like Kimberly McCleary were surprised to hear about the mistake. "It's unbelievable," McCleary said.

I knew I smelled something a bit pungent while watching Boykin's offense stall out over the last two games like Dan Marino's marriage. I just thought every OU fan smelled like an over-flowing port-a-potty left out in a Texas summer. At any rate, guess it wouldn't be good for the Colonial if they had to scoop out 10,000 pounds of the last journey of Stansly Maponga's chicken strips from the Trinity. Maybe if they made Casey Pachall do it with only a flimsy bucket and weak gag reflex, then at least attendance could rival the Grambling game.

By the Way - Yea, I omit stuff from the original articles, but I didn't touch this student quote. Some crack reporter at Channel 8 went all the way to TCU for a story about shit, and literally came away with it. Stopped some freshman Elementary Ed major on the steps of Colby Hall (that's still there, right?), scribbled two words, and thought... "OK, that's good. Better get over to Blue Mesa before happy hour's over." Real A+ reporting.

When Jay Ratliff Gets a DWI, Do You Think He Looks Like He Knows He Perhaps Didn't Learn a Lesson?

 

GRAPEVINE — Veteran Dallas Cowboys nose tackle Jay Ratliff was arrested for suspicion of driving while intoxicated early Tuesday morning.

 

Grapevine police spokesman Sam Shemwell said Ratliff's black Ford F-150 pickup truck went out of control after sideswiping an 18-wheeler in the 2800 block of Highway 114 shortly after midnight.

 

Ratliff was not injured after crashing into a guardrail.

 

Hey, it's not like there was some recent, tragic death of a close co-worker that could have served as an ominous precaution of the dangers of drunk driving or anything. It's really the NFL's fault for not ensuring adequate player safety and accounta- Oh screw it. Whatever gives Jerry a good reason to ship this injury-prone expense is outta here works for me. Jerry's gotta be at Al Biernat's tonight bustin' out the latest Papa John's rap to a confused Johnny Football and Mike Modano at the mere thought of it.

So What's Pat Green Been Up Too? How About Bringing West Village a New Backyard Bar and Concert Venue

DALLAS — A restaurant and bar with a backyard is opening at Lemmon Avenue and Central Expressway in West Village this spring. The new place will be called The Rustic and is owned in part by Texas country singer Pat Green. It may feel similar to Katy Trail Ice House in Uptown or The Foundry and Chicken Scratch in West Dallas: The Rustic is all about eating, drinking, and listening to music in a comfortable backyard, said owner Kyle Noonan.

"We did pull a lot of inspiration from the Texas Hill country," he said. The venue can seat 200 inside, 200 outside, or during concerts, 500-600 inside and 2,000 outside. Noonan said Stubb's in Austin is a good parallel in terms of size and space, though The Rustic won't confine itself just to country music.

The bar will have more than 40 beers on draft, most of which will be from Texas breweries.

Probably the first time in ten years I've thought, "Good job, Pat Green." Can't believe it took this long to fill the old Hank Haney driving range spot, and no question they paid a fortune for it. Just when you think West Village is starting to slip, with the departure of its biggest tenant, Borders, and the influx of the gay, they go and score with a Katy Ice House concept complete with live music, minus the guilt-inducing joggers. More tough news for House of Blues though, who will soon be the exclusive home of cheesedick cover bands for the suburban 40+ crowd and skater bands for the high schoolers.